I’m the sole sandwich artist at a Hollywood Subway Sandwich Shop. Everyday, stars trust me with their dining experience. Here are the eight strangest encounters I have had with celebrities.
Mark Cuban
Mark orders the same thing every time (47 visits in 2023). He calls it the “leaning tower of cheese.” It’s a six-inch on white bread and he makes me shuffle 52 slices of pepperjack, cheddar, and swiss like a deck of cards. Every time, he asks to cut the deck, then pulls one slice and says “is this your cheese?” I laugh every single time. He has so much money.
Chris Pratt
Mr. Pratt (Mario Bros. 2023) came up and said “gimme a foot-long Italian Herbs and Cheese.” When I asked what kind of meat he wanted he said “just slide that sucker to the end and sauce it up.” I said “just sauce?” and he got noticeably aggravated, saying “Yes, I want the sauce sandwich. The one that is just every sauce. It used to be on the menu. I don’t know why they took it off, but it was on there.” I asked if he wanted it toasted and he said “if you toast it I’ll fucking kill you.” When I handed him a sandwich bleeding through the paper, he said “if you tell anyone about this I’ll call Marvel and have them kill Starlord. I haven’t even seen those movies.”
Denzel Washington
Denzel only orders a Snapple and a bag of chips. He opens the bag of chips and pours half the Snapple in. He closes the bag and shakes it up, while repeating “soggy time, soggy time, soggy time.” I’ve told him multiple times he can get these cheaper at any other store, but he says he wants to “eat them fresh.” He sits quietly at the table but will scream out “I’ve heard this one!” If he’s already seen that bottle’s Snapple fact.
Mathew McConaughey
He always orders a classic meatball foot-long. Every time he gets to the register he always says “let me guess, that’ll be five dollars.” I tell him every single time that they haven’t been five dollars in years. He always laughs, says “That’s what I love about Subway, I keep getting older, and the prices stay the same.” Then he tosses a crinkled up five dollar bill and one 50-cent piece on the counter and walks out. He’s done this at least a dozen times. We’ve tried to get the police involved.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
He ordered his sandwich on the app, then showed up eight hours later than his pickup time. We had to keep remaking it so it would be certified fresh, costing us millions in bread. Then, when checking out I asked if he wanted a side or drink and he said no before pulling out his phone and clearly faking a call. He said ” Right now? Okay, on my way. Sorry, I can’t pay for this, I’m needed on set immediately.” Then he walked over, grabbed two bags of chips, sat down, and took his time eating.
Drake
He comes up and asks if we can make the Loonie Canuck sandwich from Tim Horton’s. I tell him no and he asks to see a menu, telling me “we don’t have these back home.” Subway has the largest footprint of any QSR in the world, and a quick google shows me there are 186 in Toronto alone. He proceeds to get the same sandwich as Chris Pratt. He also mentions that it used to be on the menu despite saying he’d never been here seconds earlier. While eating, he suddenly throws his Coke Zero against the wall and screams “Tim Horton!” I can’t tell if he loves him or hates him.
Emily Blunt
She walks in and looks around the restaurant in awe. Unprompted, she says to the nearest customer “I’m not from around here. Subway is just an easy meal when traveling.” I looked it up, and she has two houses in Calabasas. She proceeds to get a six-inch on wheat. When I ask what meat she wants, in a hushed tone she whispers “roast beef.” Then, as soon as I put it on the sandwich she gets the attention of everyone in the crowded restaurant and yells “oy! this bloke just put roasted beef on my roll!” Everyone in the store laughs at me. I apologize and go to throw the sandwich away, but she stops me, saying “no, no, don’t let the sandwich go to waste. Go ahead and wrap it up and I’ll just give it to someone.” I ask her if she wants something else and she says “Sure, just give me a sauce sandwich.” I ring them up and she says “since you blundered my beef sammy so bad, I won’t be paying.” Then grabs them and leaves. I can clearly see through the window as she eats the beef sandwich in the parking lot.
Miranda Cosgrove
Miranda ordered a number four off the menu. I asked how she wanted it, and she said “oh, however it comes is fine.” Who the fuck orders like this at Subway? I didn’t even know what the number four was. This is maybe the most stressful sandwich I’ve ever been asked to make. An unbelievably impolite sandwich order.