Please find my attached application for the Biodome Experiment. I’m available immediately after Tuesday’s carpool.
Human Resources Dept.
Monday, Jan.8, 2024
Dear Biodome Experiment Hiring Manager,
I am excited to respond to the job posting for Biodome Participant. This opportunity matches my current experience and strengths, with my deep-burning passion for alone time.
What sets me apart from other applicants is that I truly crave solitude. I not only voluntarily isolated myself for 5 days past the time recommended by the CDC when I contracted COVID-19, but I also discovered that being alone was my calling. Avoiding my daily life was thrilling, especially when I finally managed to read an entire People Magazine Exposé: What Jennifer Really Thinks about Brad from 2017 that had been on my nightstand covered in dust. This experience changed my life and my worldview and reignited my quest for knowledge that’s in my DNA.
As a parent of two lively teenage boys, I have learned to manage a constant stream of questions while performing numerous tasks such as: working a paying job, creating daily meals that are not only edible but organic, ethically farmed, minimally processed, free-range, low-fat, low-sodium, low-sugar, low cost, high protein and hormone-free, caring for an elderly dog, an elderly mother, elderly in-laws, a fully-grown adult husband, picking up discarded socks, voting, volunteering to get people to vote, picking up wet towels from the floor, attending PTA meetings and afterschool events, walking the second dog that was adopted because we were afraid the elderly dog was going to die during the lock-down, all while being pinged relentlessly with updates by the boys’ sports team apps, receiving Slack updates, work emails, personal emails, Doctors appointment reminders, phone calls from the school saying that one or both of my kids were late or cutting class, reminders to update my email passwords, vet appointment reminders, overdraft alerts, warranty expiration alerts, Amber Alerts, alerts to pick up my dry-cleaning from 6 months ago before it’s donated, Bed Bath and Beyond White Sale alerts, a text from my mom about her colonoscopy next month, and texts from my husband saying he’s working late. The above duties are accomplished while also striving to reach the parallel goals of maintaining an acceptable level of cleanliness at home with the KPI of having Instagram-worthy interior design and periodically evaluating the ROI of my monthly gym membership at Planet Fitness.
I have an uncanny attention to detail. Just last night, I found my son’s Invisalign in a full dumpster outside of a McDonald’s. With my background in research on WebMD, I can successfully identify which mucus color flowing from a child’s nose indicates a sinus infection.
I’m also resilient. Evidence of this is my greatest achievement. After hours of a search yielding disappointing results on Google, I pivoted to YouTube where I finally had a breakthrough and discovered a way to clean up the “unknown excrement of atypical viscosity” off the couch without stripping the color. So, as you can see, I am well-versed in technology and the scientific process. I have several scientific papers published on Schoology under the alias of my son’s name. (Hopefully, the practice of “ghostwriting” is common and accepted within the scientific community.)
The above achievements combined should more than sufficiently satisfy the Educational Requirements listed for the Biodome Participant Role. In addition, I have 4 houseplants. 2 of which are not currently dead. Or fake. Evidence of my Clear and Concise Reporting can be seen in my Facebook posts dating back to 2010. Kindly disregard the posts about the hamster’s untimely death. That was an accident and not indicative of my respect for all creatures big and small, merely a reminder that I needed to update my eyeglass prescription sooner than every decade.
In summary, my experience has given me the tools needed to survive indefinitely alone in a Biodome. If given this opportunity, I would thrive in my new “bivironment” and maybe learn to watercolor or play the harmonica I bought 25 years ago.
Thank you for your consideration, I hope to learn more about this opportunity soon. The best time to contact me would be after work when I stare vacantly out the window of my car until someone notices me parked in the driveway and I go inside to cook dinner.
Sincerely,
Applicant