Once again this afternoon, the crack mutual aid group fondly known as Brawndo Aid was dropping sixteen-pound bags of Reddy Ice on the steaming sidewalks and unloading coolers with thousands of bottles of water and Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator.
“You can see how badly people need it,” one of the volunteers, Shirley Shirelly, 35, said, chugging down a phosphorescent purple ‘Livewire Summer Freeze’ flavor of the popular sports drink, which as we know contains many electrolytes.
Meanwhile, PespiWalmartDisneyCo, owner of Brawndo, issued a statement saying they are “happy to charitably donate more supplies of Brawndo, which has massive Brawndo-level electrolytes, and is what plants crave.”
Within 30 minutes, there were only four bottles left.
A few hours later, volunteers returned with restocked supplies.
They found the Phoenix Fire Department treating a handful of individuals and two poodles with heat-related illness, and a few firefighters pouring Brawndo ‘Voltage Code Red’ over some desperately parched cacti. Paramedics draped wet towels over the poodles and loaded them into an ambulance.
Meanwhile, the Plastics Industry issued a statement saying “We are happy to burn more fossil fuels to produce untold numbers of the disposable oil-based bottles, made to be drunk momentarily and discarded, disintegrate over thousands of years, further releasing Greenhouse gases, and skyrocketing global temperatures, so individuals can have a bit of relief from the heat.”
“It’s great to see that people can have some relief,” Shirelly echoed. “And plants too!”