May
Are you there Margaret? It’s me, Junk Drawer. So, Allan (two-A’s-two-L’s) is here a lot lately. Like he moved in or something. Ha! Can you imagine?
Anyway, here’s your flint and steel–I must, I must, I must spontaneously combust.
Wait, that’s not right. And neither is having a flint and steel!
Ever hear of a lighter?
A flint and steel is so pretentious. Why does your generation have to go out of its way to make things harder?
Wait, this is Allan’s, isn’t it?
Margaret, say it with me–Allan, you are not better than me!
PS: Candy Hearts figured out how to use that stupid flint and steel, and melted themselves to the Bottle Caps from Allan’s ridiculous Make Your Own Micro Brew kit. It’s anarchy in here!
But seriously, Margaret, THROW SOMETHING OUT!
Let’s start with Allan.
July
Are you there Margaret? It’s me, Junk Drawer. If Allan is going to live here, please remind him that I am not a trash can!
All year long, you walk by depositing God knows what into me–that’s what she said!
(Don’t be mad ‘cause you didn’t think of it.)
You, I’m fine with, I am your Junk Drawer, but I draw the line at Dr. Douchebag.
I’m lookin’ at half a stick of gum, four rogue paperclips, and a bag of corroded batteries that I know for a fact aren’t yours. Who does Allan think he is? Macgyver?
He wouldn’t last three days without his freshly washed skinny jeans, vintage vinyl, and kombucha–which incidentally has started a slow d r i p into me.
You know who’s a slow drip?
Allan.
Allan is a slow drip!
August
Are you there Margaret? It’s me, Junk Drawer. I know it’s only August but did I hear you say that Christmas is canceled this year?
I know finding that tinsel shoved in the back corner of my drawer reminded you of Gran, but Allan has a point–tinsel is not biodegradable. It has to go. If we don’t start looking out for the environment, who will?
I can’t believe I’m saying this but, you might want to take it easy on Allan. The way his man-bun drooped after you told him to “get his hair ties and hit the road”? Heartbreaking.
Not to mention, tinsel is the worst! There, I said it. Ever since it octopus’d its way in here it has been attaching itself to everything. Tinsel is the handsy Uncle Ralph of Christmas decorations. Speaking of, I have to go. Tinsel is trying to hug Stapler and you know how snappy Stapler can be if you invade their personal space!
September
Are you there Margaret? It’s me, Junk Drawer. I’m so glad you’ve decided to give Allan another chance. Making household choices together–ta ta for now Tinsel–is a great start.
Even though the DIY minimalist wooden Christmas tree you decided on will take from now until December to put together and one might argue all the tools you’ll have to buy to assemble it precludes it from being minimal…
It’s fine. I’m fine. Hairy Hipster can totally… Ok, never mind! I’m back to hating that guy.
Allan, can I interest you in a bag of dicks?!
October
Are you there Margaret? It’s me, Junk Drawer. Look, I get it, even I was charmed by Allan’s warm-weather beanies and attempts to cover his BO through the simple use of willpower and aura cleansing. But let’s be real, there’s been a lot of yelling and slamming of cupboards lately. Allan might not be the guy for you.
On that note, I thought we told Allan, no trash!
What is this obviously used hemp straw doing in here?
There’s lipstick on the bendy end and it’s not even your shade!
Oh good, you’re tossing it. Sucks to suck Straw!
Wait, are you crying?
December
Are you there Margaret? It’s me, Junk Drawer. Sorry (not sorry) about Allan. But let’s face it. He was a pretentious dill weed who tried to pickle everything, including you! I’ll give him one thing though, he made me realize who I really am–Margaret’s Junk Drawer, and that’s not junk.
It’s nice to be back to normal.
Hi-ya, Thumbtacks.
Bonjour, Benadryl.
Put ‘er there, Pumpkin Carving Knives.
What’s up Ashtray?
Ashtray!? Hand-rolled organically grown cigarettes?!
Margaret, you don’t smoke!
Does that mean…who’s beard trimmer is this? And was that sourdough starter on the counter?!
Margaret?!