Hello again, everyone. It’s your old friend Chuck Manfield. Yes, that Chuck Manfield. Sure, I’ve been jet-setting around the world, helping the richest and most powerful people build bigger and better lives for themselves, but today’s your lucky day because I’m here to talk to little old you. Can you afford a coaching session with Chuck Manfield? You bet your sad, sorry ass you can’t. So I want you to pay close attention now, because this is something you need. I know exactly what you’re feeling right now.
I know exactly where you are, where you’ve been, and what’s eating at you. I can see you right now, wanting to propel yourself to a better life. I can see you dreaming of something better than walking into work at Sizzler every day, alongside a team of pizza-faced brats half your age. I can see you sitting on a dirty couch in your parents’ basement, eating Froot Loops like some kind of pathetic, giant toddler. Does it make you sick? It sure makes me sick. But there’s good news. We both know you need a solution. Like, badly need a solution. You know where that solution is?
No, it’s not in your Xbox, so you can stop playing that seven hours a day like an 8th-grade AV geek. It’s not at the bottom of that Doritos bag, so you can stop digging around in it with your drool-soaked, oily, sausage fingers, you fat, fat bastard. I’ll tell you where your solution is. Stand up. Go ahead, stand up now, and go to the bathroom. Brush aside the empty Chinese food boxes and porno mags and look in the mirror. Stare deep into your own eyes, if you can see through the haze of pot smoke and incense that we both know isn’t fooling your stepdad.
What do you see there in the reflection? You probably see a disgusting, talentless hack with nothing but a pet iguana to live for. And that’s there, boy is it. But there’s something else. Behind that greasy face, behind those dumb, glassy eyes there’s something magical. Hard to believe, isn’t it? But it’s there! All the answers, everything you need to turn your life around! There’s a wealth of genius, drive, and beauty inside that filthy, broken shell of a body you can barely drag out of bed at eleven every morning. Can that be right, Chuck? Of course, it can! If it wasn’t, why the hell do you think the world’s rich and powerful fly me to their private villas for one-on-one chats? Why do women half my age throw themselves at me everywhere I go? Why can I walk into any restaurant in the world and talk my way into a free steak dinner? You don’t believe it? You calling Chuck Manfield a liar? You better watch your smart-ass mouth, or Chuck’s ramrod fists will put you under before you can say “potpourri.”
Look at the world around you. It’s full of two kinds of people. There are strong, confident people who reach into themselves, grab their inner potential by the balls, and go on to be the best people in the world – innovators, game-changers, moguls, and superstars. Then there are losers like you. Unmotivated, drifting, weak, soft, dumb, ugly human waste. But you don’t have to be that! You’ve had the answers in you all along – why aren’t you just reaching in to find them? You and you alone can harness the energy that’s inside you and unleash your hidden potential. Why haven’t you done it yet? What are you waiting for? You’re the only one who can do anything. The only reason you’re still a depressive virgin with self-esteem even lower than your credit score is that you’re not trying hard enough! Look deeper into that mirror – push your stringy hair out of the way, you dirty hippie! Get those answers, they’re right there!
THEY’RE RIGHT THERE INSIDE OF YOU! WHY DON’T YOU JUST GET THEM AND STOP COMPLAINING,
YOU SICK, EMPTY, MEANINGLESS SACK OF GARBAGE!!
Some say there’s a better life out there. They’re wrong, and I would know because I’ve inspired lives on every continent that’s fit to visit. That better life they’re talking about is in there. In you. If you don’t have it yet, then you’ve only got yourself to blame! Will it turn you into a suave, brilliant, handsome talent like me? Maybe not. But maybe it’ll get your fat ass off the couch and into some clothes that don’t make you look like an underpaid scarecrow. Have some self-respect, will you? I’ve said my piece, and it’s time to get back to my usual clients, the movers and shakers, the type of people that will be missed when they die if someone like you can imagine that. I leave you with these words: if your life isn’t where you want it to be, you can take comfort in knowing that no one out there is keeping you down – it’s all your
fault.