PLAY BY PLAY ANNOUNCER (TOM): …And now the fans are bidding their young pitcher adieu with a standing ovation.
COLOR COMMENTATOR (JOHN): There you go with those big words again, Tom.
TOM: Adieu?
JOHN: “A-what now?”
TOM: (Laughing heartily)
JOHN: Just playing with nonsense, Tom.
TOM: (Chuckling) Well, our eight hitter hasn’t been playing with nonsense tonight. He digs in-
JOHN: (Interrupting) Playing is all there is, Tom. They’re playing, we’re playing. It’s all just play.
TOM: (Pauses) And there’s strike one on the inside corner.
JOHN: You think there’s a foundation for all this language we use, don’t you Tom?
TOM: You’re really staying with this joke today, friend…
JOHN: Like, you think there’s some objective reality out there and our words match up with it. That’s what you believe isn’t it?
TOM:
JOHN: Take the word “ball.” In your brain, that word refers to something clear and firmly rooted in a knowable natural system?
TOM: Well, I think that was a BALL up and out of the strike zone to bring it to a BALL and a strike here in the sixth inn-
JOHN: Exactly! There’s play! Words never match up exactly!
TOM: What have you got in that cup over there, old pal?
JOHN: The binary between in and out of the cup has been dissolved, my friend.
TOM: What? … Never mind, I’m… going to swing to our on-field reporter, Murph. Murph, how are those fans treating you?
MURPH: Well… quite honestly? We’re pretty curious about what John is talking about.
JOHN: We! Have! DISCOURSE!
TOM: Ok, what the heck is happeni-
JOHN: We’re creating reality! Murph – put one of those fans on the mic!
TOM: No, don’t-
FAN: Hi… are you saying that reality doesn’t exist without our words?
JOHN: Reality is completely textual! Everything is text!
FAN: Okay, um… so that’s a yes?
JOHN: Yes? No? Do these words really mean what you think they mean?!
FAN: Uh… what if I said the next pitch will lead to a home run? Would that make it happen?
JOHN: Go for it!
FAN: (Gets entire section to chant “home run”)
(Most of the stadium starts chanting “home run”)
TOM: (Defeated) …Well… I guess there’s a method to my partner’s madness. Just about every fan is now standing and chanting for some offense. Let’s see if our eight hitter can deliver!
JOHN: It’s the end of the truth regime, Tom!
TOM: And… he takes strike three on the outside corner. I guess reality triumphs again, this time by way of a backdoor slider.
JOHN: There you go again, trapped in the binary of winner/loser. There are no winners; there are no losers. He hit a home run. To left-center. Re-took the lead. Really crushed that slider.
TOM: Well, Tom, I love your optimism but Sanchez is already back in the dugout having accounted for the second out of the inning.
JOHN: Sanchez is trotting around the bases, admiring his moon shot.
TOM: (Laughing heartily) You know, partner, this is a fun thought experiment but let’s just tell the folks at home what’s happening in front of us.
JOHN: “Experiment”… “happening”… these words have lost all meaning.
MURPH: Sorry to jump in, but we have a fan here with a question for John.
TOM: Please don’t-
FAN: Yeah, during that last at-bat I put $200 on a home run because you said we can, like, create reality. The app says I lost the bet, though?
JOHN: My friend, don’t get me started on money…
TOM: A very important reminder to gamble responsibly. We’re not liable for any financial decisions you make; we’re just here to call the game.
JOHN: It’s a gamble going to sleep every night, Tom. I’d say, if you think you won the bet, you won the bet, and you have all the money you need.
FAN: Sweet! But, like, can you do that reality changing thing with my bookie though-
TOM: (Interrupting) And thanks for that “Chevy Fan Moment,” Murph! Hopefully my partner doesn’t get us both fired, so we can continue enjoying these in-game chats with the best fans in the league.
JOHN: I have long felt the employed/unemployed binary is needlessly hierarchical.
TOM:
JOHN: That reminds me – I’m hosting a semiotics lecture at my house on Saturday. Not sure I’ll make it in to “call” the “game.”
TOM: Okay, I’ve had enough! Murph, it looks like you’re getting promoted to the booth.
MURPH: Actually, I’m kind of curious about this lecture. Will you be covering de Saussure’s work?
JOHN: We will AND we won’t. Both will be true.
TOM: This isn’t happening.
JOHN: That’s what the lecture’s called!