Thank you for choosing to stay at the Clarendon Hotel. We’re sure you will find everything to your liking and will enjoy the unique experience of sharing your room with an evil spirit. This helpful guide will tell you everything you need to know about your room.
Check Check
Our check-in time is a reasonable 3 p.m. and check-out is a cozy 11 a.m. What makes this even better is that at 6 a.m., your demonic hotel friend will start tampering with the electricity in your room, causing the TV to switch on at full volume and the lights to flicker. And mysterious shadowy figures will appear suddenly in front of your face and then vanish. Many guests say that this is better than coffee!
Mirror Mirror
Be sure to check out our floor-to-ceiling mirrors, complete with flashing images of you fulfilling your most violent fantasies.
Stop and Go
Parking is free for visitors for the duration of your stay, so no worries there! However, the spot reserved for this room will be taken, as in 2008 a man named Roy came and stayed here and loved it so much he chose, of his own free will, to remain for all eternity locked in a liminal space between our world and the spirit world. If you hear from him, make sure to tell him that his family loves him and is thinking of him – he really appreciates it!
Digital Surfer
The WiFi password is 159Clarendon, easy as that. You’ll know you’re online because the WiFi signal interferes with the evil spirit. The power will suddenly be cut off to your room and the door will lock, securing you inside indefinitely. So why not use this time to unplug from the world and enjoy a relaxing few days away from your email?
Snuggle Up
Enjoy the novel experience of our levitating bed that will shake and bounce, as the spirit attempts to snuggle up inside your body. But be sure to hold on tight, as it can be a bumpy ride!
Zoom Zoom
If you’d prefer to leave your car where it’s parked, we have an extremely convenient shuttle bus that will take you directly to the town center. Alternatively, stand in the middle of your room and light the candles provided in a circle around you, then announce, “Master, I am ready. Take me to your lair.” At this point, the fallen angel will instantly transport you to the depths of hell where you’ll get to meet all sorts of exciting characters, like Lucifer, the lord of the underworld, and Margaret Thatcher. Before you leave, make sure you stop by the gift shop where Lucifer will offer you any of your worldly desires in exchange for your soul and eternal servitude. Many esteemed guests of this room have used this opportunity to ask to be made rich and famous, including Miley Cyrus and Tom Hanks.
Chop Chop
While away the hours and please the demon by offering up sacrifices using the ceremonial tomb and knife provided. This is a perfect opportunity to get away with something many people have only dreamed of, so why not invite that noisy neighbor or your ungrateful boss and finally cast their soul off to the fiery pits of hell?
Ring Ring
Contact the front desk by hitting #1 on the phone provided; you can also use the phone for external calls by hitting #9 and then dialing as normal. To contact the dead, simply draw a pentagram with the vial of virgin blood provided (stored in the minibar), then allow their spirit to enter the body of your partner. If you are alone, we can provide a small Pomeranian for the dead to possess.
Light Reading
Instead of the usual boring Bible, we’ve equipped your room with a book of dark magic spells so you can learn to summon beasts or cast curses or even transform yourself into a 20-foot lizard wasp hybrid who wears glasses and shits KFC gravy.
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Thank you for choosing to stay at the Clarendon Hotel and we hope you enjoy your stay with us.