Simone Biles is a national goddam embarrassment. At first, I wanted to feel empathy for her. To try to understand the stress and exhaustion she must feel, spending basically her entire life performing for perfectionists. But then I realized that empathy is for pussies. So instead, I thought: This young woman is just straight-up lazy and unpatriotic and a “selfish sociopath.”
She should be ashamed of herself to let me down like this. I mean, yeah, I’m tough as nails and love guns and have a sweet tattoo of an AR-15. But I’m also extremely emotionally invested in the U.S. women’s gymnastics team, which is not at all a weird thing for a 45-year-old redneck to care so deeply about.
Could I name another chick on the team? No. Had Simone Biles’ name crossed my mind in the last five years until three days ago, when an Olympics promo came up while I was watching American Pie 2 on Peacock? Absolutely not. But once I get the Simone Biles bug, I throw all the weight of the American Dream upon her shoulders. Her incredibly strong and flexible shoulders.
See, if she cared about me or this country at all, she’d have pressed on and done her duty. Because that’s what the Olympics is – a duty. It’s a service you do for this country to please me by winning medals, to win more medals than other countries so I can keep going around spouting how “America is the greatest country on Earth,” but being able to back it up with numerical proof.
Not to mention, why are Black athletes so insistent on doing anything beyond entertaining me?
The other day, while I was open-carrying at Buffalo Wild Wings while creepily hitting on a young waitress in front of my wife, I thought to myself, “If Simone Biles doesn’t take gold in the uneven bars, I will fucking take that giant bald eagle decal off the back window of my jacked-up Ford F-350.” And today, after she “put her mental health first,” I shot that bald eagle with my Remington 12-gauge.
Yes, now I have to purchase a new window for my truck. And I’ll be sending the bill to that lazy traitor Simone Biles. I’m sure she can afford it with her twenty-seven international gold medals.
