As of today, more than fifty million Americans have received both doses of the vaccine and are considered fully immune to COVID-19. The United States has prudently prioritized vaccinating the older population and at-risk individuals. However, ages 21-39 still trail far behind in receiving a dose of the vaccine.
It’s time the federal government steps in so this younger demographic can get a taste of COVID-free living and try and relieve themselves of a yearlong, mostly COVID-induced celibacy. The only sensible solution to this problem is to let every bar bouncer in America administer the vaccine before customers enter.
Here are five reasons why this policy should be enacted:
1. It gets everyone vaccinated
A good portion of America’s youth thinks they’re invincible, and considers the vaccine to be exclusively for old people. But this isn’t healthy. They’re the type that has begun a Friday ritual of watching Netflix for six hours straight, and when Netflix asks “are you still watching?” they descend into a depressive panic right before chilling out and playing the next episode of New Girl. Issuing a federal ordinance for bar bouncers to inject the vaccine would motivate these young rebels to shut off the streaming services, try some new pick-up lines at the bar, and help achieve national immunity.
2. Bouncers already have experience with needles
Let’s be honest, most bouncers are pretty huge. They have the muscle density of a Bulgarian cow, roids flowing through their insanely defined triceps, and are typically the guys walking around the gym with a gallon water jug in their hand. They’ve seen a syringe or two in their day, so they know their way around a needle. Sure, the injection point for steroids is usually in the butt and not the arm, but that should be an indicator of their commitment to safe treatment. Think about it. If they’re able to stick a needle up a guy’s butt in the locker room of a Planet Fitness, then they can handle the arm of a drunk 23-year-old.
3. It boosts revenue for bars by incentivizing customers to come back
This might be the best reason for the federal government to step in and let bouncers administer the vaccine at every bar. Small businesses (especially bars), rely on massive amounts of people congregating. It’s been a year of pandemic living and we can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. So it’s time for bars to capitalize on America’s bounceback and start building up a loyal customer base. By administering only one dose of the vaccine, previous customers will have to come back for a second dose if they want to achieve full immunity. This would pretty much ensure that customers come back to the bar a second time, and spend even more cash now that they can party with both doses running through their bloodstreams.
4. Reassurance at the bar
It’s pretty tough to have a good time when you’re in a crowded space and you’re not sure if the people around you are vaccinated. This law would help remove any doubt you might have. For example, that guy standing next to you in the Supreme T-shirt, prior to this law, probably wouldn’t have been vaccinated. But now the injection mark on his arm is clearly visible. So you won’t mind nudging past him to get to the bartender to confidently order a round of vodka cranberries.
5. Stamps are outdated
The little stamps that bouncers put on your hand before entering a bar are often ineffective. They can smudge off, smear away, or just flat-out look ridiculous. Who the hell wants a stamp on their hand? What are we, ten years old? Injection wounds are way cooler. And plus, chicks dig a guy who can withstand the pain of a needle. The wound could even act as a nice ice breaker once you step inside and realize you haven’t talked to a stranger in eight months. “Hey, you see that bouncer by the door in the black T-shirt? Yeah, he gave me a dose of Pfizer before I came in; I didn’t even flinch. So… you a Moderna girl?”
We can’t waste precious time. For these reasons, every bouncer at every bar in America should administer the vaccine and help steer this country’s youth back on track.