1. Conspiracy Theorist
If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “The virus was made in a laboratory” or “This YouTube clip proves everything,” then the sky will be the limit for you in terms of how you can argue online about football. You’ll have no need to research statistics or do any type of reading on the major sports sites; in fact, anything goes, and as always, even better if your opinion is backed up with only a YouTube clip. Consider making comments like, “This video shows that the referees were never actually there” or “How do we know the scoreboards weren’t made by Antifa?????”
2. Person Who Is Loud for No Reason
If you’re interested in continuing to terrify your friends and family online by using caps lock, it would be best to use it early on and stay consistent. You don’t want to find yourself saying “GO ChiEfS” or “LEt’s gO BuCS.” When someone only capitalizes some of the letters, it indicates something might be wrong with them, which can be a pretty big buzzkill. Go for broke and do the entire post in caps lock.
3. Person Who Goes Off on Tangents
Similar to the conspiracy theorist, the sky’s the limit here. Some classic options are to wish someone in the thread a happy birthday, or to ask someone a deeply personal question they would rather not talk about with you, much less in a public thread. You might tell a story about a trip you took once to a football game, if you’re looking to stay somewhat on point.
4. Person Who Is Mean to Everyone Else Right Out of the Gate
Many people are signing online without any self-awareness of their deep emotional problems and that’s not really something that will be solved by reading this how-to guide. But if this sounds like you, you can show a little restraint by making your anger short and sweet: “Obviously you’re dead wrong but you’ll figure out your team sucks soon enough!” Additionally, you have the option of doing a combination post, which starts cruel and ends nice: “This is so ignorant and genuinely stupid! But I still love you!”
5. Person Who Communicates Only Through Memes
Calling all meme-heads! This person never directly responds to anyone’s attempt at a conversation. They’re too busy and this is all you’re going to get from them. If you’re a meme-focused person, get up as early as you can and start sorting through your memes or else you’re going to fall behind, which is embarrassing. If you want to cause an unnecessary rift between family and friends who differ politically, consider using a political meme in a football conversation; for example, Kamala Harris getting off a plane with Converse shoes, or Donald Trump with windblown hair.
6. Person Who Has the Same View No Matter What Evidence Is Presented
If you’re the type of person whose opinion is set in stone regardless of new facts and data, this is your moment. The transition from politics to football will be seamless. You are similar to the conspiracy theorist in that you refuse to honor evidence or accept reality, but your thoughts are never as extreme. You may not think that Hillary Clinton concocted the coronavirus with aliens in a lab with Bill Gates, but you do think the coronavirus is generally harmless and the same as the flu. When you transition to fighting about football, you might consider making friends with the “conspiracy theorist” and “person who is mean right out of the gate,” or even better, teaming up with all of them to bring down someone’s family member in one comment thread on the night of the Super Bowl.
7. Person Who Over-explains
The key here is to not make your actual point until about four to five sentences in. Readers should get to the end of your post and still not know where you stand politically or which team you’re rooting for. You have to choose if you want to simply over-explain or be that type of mysterious person who types what seems like one hundred paragraphs but still never tells you what they actually believe. Stay true to yourself when making your transition from politics to football. Maintain a minimum of seven paragraphs, eight links to outside sources, and long-winded explanations that never arrive at any obvious conclusions.
8. Person Who’s All About the Merch, But Doesn’t Know Any Details About the Subject Being Discussed
If you’re the type of person who buys Bernie gloves or a Tom Brady tee while only knowing surface-level knowledge about government and football, then this one’s for you. You might find yourself wearing a MAGA hat but “don’t really know much about immigration.” You might be wearing a Chiefs jersey and think you’re rooting for Baker Mayfield. In any case, there’s not much that can be done for you, and in all honesty, we can all only dream of having this type of consistent surface-level knowledge about everything because it sounds kind of freeing and peaceful. The best advice is to find a filter that makes your merch really pop in the photos!
9. Person Who Talks About Politics in a Thread About Football
This person likely still has a six-foot banner of Donald and Melania Trump in their yard, and they’re going to talk about the already-decided election no matter what. In this situation, you have a few choices. You can be coy and stay halfway on topic: “The Chiefs are unstoppable this year and are clearly going to win, unless it gets STOLEN from them like something else I saw this year.” Or you can just take the air right out of the room by going straight into an aggressive political rant that freaks everybody out.
