Jolly old St. Nicholas. Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Mover, shaker, love maker. The man we wait all year for to break and enter into our homes in the dead of night goes by many names, but I posit to you yet another: Sir.
For years, we’ve unfairly pigeonholed this man into a singular wholesome role, completely ignoring the full range and exciting applications of his innate strengths.
Perhaps we’ve just been too ashamed of how the twinkle in his eyes inspires lust in ours, or simply concerned that each of us are the only ones who harbor such seasonal wants. I think I speak for everyone, dear reader, when I say, be ashamed no more!
The time is now to right these wrongs and finally acknowledge the cold hard facts: Santa Claus, with his tender heart and what I believe to be a firm hand, would be a truly spectacular Dom. That’s right: Santa fucks. It’s nothing to feel embarrassed about! It’s the second-most common fantasy worldwide (I have been told), and is completely normal.
I must assure you, none of this is weird.
Perhaps you find yourself, dear reader, new to the wild world of S&M. Who better to guide you than St. Nick?
First-time jitters? Never heard of ‘em! He won’t mind if you’re new to this. The elves in his shop had to start somewhere, and he guided them as patiently as he will surely guide you. Simply make like Vixen and let Santa take the reins! His kind and caring persona makes anyone feel at ease, and it’s that same genuine approach that will make your scene negotiations comfortable. Santa is a generous elf (as long as you’ve been good), and it is a completely understandable, normal thing to want this jolly man to top you like the star on your tree. Plenty of plain, ordinary folks like yours truly can vouch for this.
But what, I hear you say, of my darker desires? The dirty-as-coal fantasies that will surely see my name at the very top of the naughty list? Well, dear reader, assuming this isn’t exactly what you want, let me ease your mind of any further needless fretting.
You see, Santa has had so many strange requests over the years, the likelihood of him balking at your wish to be tied like a Christmas roast is zero. You really think that’s going to seem weirder than the dinosaur that shits rainbows and reunites the divorced parents Timmy in Grand Rapids asked for last year? Very little could faze this worldly man. Heck, if anything, the roast idea is easier for Santa to pull off. All he needs are some long strands of durable outdoor Christmas lights. No access to a toy workshop required, just a simple jaunt to Home Depot. And, of course, a discussion on whether your safeword will be mistletoe or sleigh bells.
This thoughtful man stands for goodwill and joy, not judgment and shame… unless, of course, that’s what you’re into. In which case he can work with that. It’s this open mindedness that makes him a natural fit for the world of BDSM. Remember, and I cannot stress this enough, these are completely normal, albeit festive, desires to have.
Sugar cookie-sweet personality traits aside, let’s allow ourselves to be a bit more superficial. Who doesn’t love a man in uniform? A veritable (polar) bear, he’s wearing that famous red suit and white gloves while giving directions to his employees… you simply must know he’ll wear that perfectly tailored crimson getup while ordering you around, too. This is the man in charge, and he’s committed to the role. All these years of experience, and we haven’t allowed ourselves to see what an absolutely perfect Dominant he would be. It’s a crying shame we can pen songs like “Santa Baby,” but lie to ourselves that it’s just a cheeky song when in reality, each and every one of us possess a mighty thirst.
And those leather boots! Jeeze Louise. It’s completely logical to appreciate those, and also to remind yourself that they will not shine themselves.
The season of giving is upon us. It’s time we stop asking Santa for things, and instead ask (very nicely) how we can best serve Sir Claus. Get the milk and cookies ready; he’s Father Christmas and Daddy’s gotta get paid.