Welcome one and all to this great land, a land of opportunity and freedom…
There has never been a beacon as magnificent as me…
I am the embodiment of a stately, handsome woman…
Oh, shit. My arm’s asleep…
“This land is your land, this land is my land, from California…”
Really? Flat sandals for eternity? Couldn’t spare the francs for an instep?
It took Dave Eggers writing a picture book to get kids of today to notice me? Dave Eggers of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius Dave Eggers writes a book about me and calls it Her Right Foot? My dogs wear a size 879 shoe and THAT’s the part of me he felt compelled to draw attention to?
IT’S ASLEEP…
Didn’t we know about basic science back in the 19th century? I mean, they let me turn green? I’m supposed to be the most important symbol the U.S. has and I look like I’m covered in algae?
At least I’m not “Eiffel Tower Brown…”
Goddamn it, green or not, I’m glorious…
I stand for the abolition of slavery, of the rights of every man and woman to be free…
Little girls and boys can look to me for direction and inspiration, visible from air and sea and land…
“And I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more…”
PINS AND NEEDLES…
Emma Lazarus got something right: this Liberty State Park ferry is filled with huddled masses yearning to be free, and the Battery Park tourist boat looks chock-full of wretched refuse…
You know what would be good right about now, or really any time in the past 134 years? A pair of shades. I’d be a lot happier with shades…
Bitch, am I smiling?
It’s my prerogative to smile or not smile, freedom means freedom so the same goes for every woman on this planet…
“Everybody’s talkin’ all this stuff about me
Why don’t they just let me live…”
What’s the actual definition of irony?
I know! Men creating a woman with symbolic broken chains, but casting her in 450,000 pounds, ensuring that she’ll never be able to move for eternity…
Or creating a virtual representation of life’s possibility in moi, but then making mere mortals climb 354 stairs to reach the top…
Or a woman with a 35-foot waistline who has never even taken a single bite of food…
Speaking of ironic, did we ever find out who Alanis Morissette song-shamed?
Where’s David Copperfield when I need him? I would give anything to disappear again for five minutes just to put this freaking torch down…
Americans are nickname obsessed. Would it have freaking killed them to call me by my real name, Liberty Enlightening the World? ENLIGHTENING THE WORLD, people! I guess I should be grateful they didn’t just shorten that to “LEW” or something. But “The Statue of Liberty?” That’s not even a name!
MY ARM!!!
I knew from the start that our country’s capacity for caring about the things that matter was overstated…
Exhibit A: My eyeroll…
Exhibit B: America’s obsession with Luke P…
This job is 98% inspiring others, 77% boredom, 42% bird shit, and 93% looking regal AF…
You know who else was regal AF? Grover Cleveland, recipient of me. That ‘stache was lit…
Grover would be digging on my sweet sideburns…
And he would agree that Luke P. is a douche…
Grover Cleveland wouldn’t even recognize this country today…
Feels like the end of days…
“We’re headed for Venus (Venus)
And still we stand tall…”
