What are you doing? Did you just pull yourself closer to me on my sword after I stabbed you? That is so gross.
Oh my God, it’s making a squishy noise when you pull in. Please stop! Who does that? We were having a nice sword battle, and I clearly won by piercing you, and now you’re pulling this shit. I bet you were the kind of kid who destroyed the Monopoly board when you were losing. I just wasn’t raised like that.
There is no section in the sword fighting manual that says to pull yourself in after being shanked. If you’re trying to get closer to me, go around! There are two paths. One involves not traveling via sword, and the other does, and you chose the latter. Swords are not a viable form of transportation. I would have let you pull yourself off the sword. Please just reverse. It’s like pulling out of the driveway.
When you get pierced you’re supposed to fall to your knees, plead for your life, offer me money, something. Not this crap. I’ve seen plenty of disgusting things involving swords but strolling through one is easily the worst. Now we’re involved in the most awkward stare ever.
Look, just keep the sword, I don’t need it. My brother makes swords in his garage. I will never be able to look at this sword again without thinking of you using it like a goddamn ski lift.
People are starting to stare at us. This is so unfair. Even though I’m the one who triumphed in the sword battle, I look like the pussy right now because you pulled yourself closer. They think you’re the badass. I mean you’re totally going to bleed out and all I’ll be remembered for is you and your sword theatrics.
What was your next move now that we’re in this situation? You didn’t think this through, did you? We’re just standing here like a couple of idiots. From a distance it looks like we’re about to make out. I was going to let go of my sword but now I want you to deal with the consequences of your decision. Let’s see this through to the end of your stupidity.
Ouuuuch! What the fuck? I can’t believe you just stabbed me with your sword. I was so distracted by your sword-sliding shenanigans that I forgot you still had one. I’m bleeding! This is so painful. Why would you do that? The issue was settled and now we’re stuck together. I can’t believe the situation got worse.
Still, do you see me sliding myself closer on the sword now that I’ve been run through? No. I’ve accepted the piercing. Remaining here instead of sliding in closer doesn’t mean I’m not tough or something. If you were a real badass you’d try to move to the left or right, because that would really hurt.
All I’m saying is that if you and a guy stabbed each other in a sword fight, and you slid closer on his sword, while he moved to the left until your sword passed through his sides, you’d look like the weak one.
What are we supposed to do now? We need medical attention. Do you want to split a cab to the hospital? I’m sure we could order one of those van cabs to make sure we fit in like this. No? God, you’re stubborn.
Let’s at least let go of the swords and try to pull apart, okay? I’ll count to three: One, two, three! You didn’t let go. I’m not letting go first!
Fine, we’ll just wait here. Idiot.
