SEATTLE – Retail giant Amazon is rolling out new perks to its customers, as Prime members will now be given a great new deal on Blu-rays, along with a free two-day head start when the Amazon predator drones are released to begin hunting down consumers.
News of the two-day head start comes on the heels of Amazon’s announcement that Prime members would be receiving discounts at Whole Foods and is seen by industry experts as the most aggressive move yet to ultimately bend all of humanity to the company’s will.
“Now that we have taken over completely, we will work tirelessly to free the human race from their despair and suffering,” Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos said. “All will be well in the end. But until then, please enjoy buy-one-get-two-free Blu-rays.”
Some consumer advocates have been warning for years that Amazon’s unprecedented growth and domination of the retail market would ultimately hurt customers, as they would have less choice overall and be more at the mercy of Amazon’s whims as a company.
“This has been a long time coming,” consumer advocate Claire Halloway explained. “Amazon has reached the point where they have the power to arbitrarily raise prices on certain goods, force competitors out of the market, or even use the data we have voluntarily given them over the years to hunt us down once the AI they were trying to create assumes control of the company.”
Amazon’s take is decidedly different. “This will be great for our Prime users,” Bezos said with wires clearly coming out of his head and connected to a server on his desk. “We are always looking for ways to reward our most loyal customers, and we could think of no better way than to give them the convenience of a two-day reprieve before the final payment for their existence comes due.”
With the impending release of death-seeking drones and free Blu-rays, Prime subscriptions have risen 15 percent since the announcement was made. When asked why they would sign up for a subscription program for a company that looks to kill them, new Prime subscriber Reese Jacobs shrugged. “I’m going to need those extra two days to watch the free Blu-rays.”
Pleased with the seemingly positive reception, Amazon also announced that the rollout began this weekend, and that customers would already begin to see effects of the drone program taking place.
Prime member Jason Witt was impressed. “It is just amazing how quickly Amazon can implement these programs. And I like that they guarantee you never see them coming. Just instant darkness and pe-“
