Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you finally hate yourself enough to lose the weight.
That’s both the first and easiest step.
But where do you go from here? With so many diets promising to transform your body into an Instagrammable fuck-shrine, it’s hard to know who to listen to. We wanted to help, so we gathered exclusive tips straight from the pioneers of modern dieting: Iron-deficient celebrities.
Try out these four tricks and have everyone asking, “Should we, like, know the location of the nearest hospital?”
1) Drink Water
This one’s simple enough. Academy Award-winning actress Nicole Kidman swears by the importance of including an abundance of H2O in your Day2Day.
“The most important trick to losing weight is drinking tons of water. Every twenty minutes, drink two glasses of water- It’ll fill you up so you won’t snack. If you still have an appetite, eat some ice shavings, you fucking pig.” – Academy Award-winning actress Nicole Kidman
2) Jettison the Junk Food
When you think of cookbooks written by actresses featuring health food recipes for rich people with a lot of free time, one name comes to mind: Gwyneth Paltrow. This fat-free icon lives by one simple diet trick:
“When I’m tempted to be naughty and eat something unhealthy, I just swap out the junk food for a healthier, much shittier tasting alternative.” – Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow
3) Mo’ Pain, No Gain
Taylor Swift is celebrated for her cutting lyrics and her sharp angles. Employ this songstress’ diet tip and it’ll be easier than ever to achieve that thigh gap you’ve always dreamed of since last year!
“Every time I get hungry, I rip out one of my teeth. The pain overpowers the hunger almost immediately. It’s not rocket science, guys. Just rip out your teeth – you’ll thank me.” – Taylor Swift
4) Crank It Up!
Get crankin’. And we’re not talking about cardio. Anne Hathaway shared her secret to that enviable, slender figure:
“I smoke meth.” – Academy Award-winning actress Anne Hathaway
