Satan
Ninth Circle of Hell
SnakeSkin Lube, Inc
1101 S Ocean Blvd
Palm Beach, FL
33480
Dear manufacturers of SnakeSkin Lube:
First of all, I just want to say that I’m a big fan, a big fan!I’ve been using your products to soften my horny hands during my chicken choking sessions since that time I used it to celebrate my helping Adam and Eve awaken from their naivete a few thousand years ago, which has made life more interesting for their descendants ever since. I’ve got literally millions of followers—I’m there every time some thirteen year old boy spooges into the pair of pantyhose he stole from his Aunt Fabiola’s suitcase, some cop beats up a guy, or a grifter grifts.
It is regarding this last matter that I am writing you. I am anticipating that a certain individual who is probably the Most Famous Person In The World!!! will be coming my way very soon, since human flesh, alas, is weak (though tender and tasty), and Mr. Famous’s left coronary artery is clogged with plaque (yay fast food!). I’ve long been anticipating this moment, when one of my most diligent servants joins me at last—and I wouldn’t think of doing it without the aid of your fine products.
I’m sure you know that of my three mouths, the middle mouth, considered by theologians the worst place in Hell one could be, is reserved for Judas, who betrayed God, country, AND friend (way to go, Judas!). These same theologians have been asking the ridiculous question “What is so terrible about that mouth that Judas, the worst traitor in history, should be placed there?” Wake up, you blathering boobs! Scholars should be wondering “Who will have the honor of spending eternity in Satan’s anal tract?” The individual in question is a big boned fellow who obviously has enjoyed life greatly. While his gluttony pleases me—YOLO, amiright?—I expect that his insertion past my anal sphincter—he’s maybe 6 foot 2 inches, and over 240 pounds—is going to be challenging for both of us. “Pain, be thou my pleasure!” to paraphrase something that some version of myself said. I’ve been doing lots of Kegels in anticipation.
Still, there’s no way that that great big beautiful head is going to slip all the way up into my duodenum without a little help. To that end (heh), I’m hoping that you would be willing to supply me with your products, for the rest of eternity. This would be a win/win for both of us—I get to serve my purpose in the grand scheme of things, my new occupant will have a cozy room in which he may meditate upon his place in the cosmos and what led him to such a fate, and you will get plenty of exposure. I’m sure you are already aware of my page @onlyfans/RectumDiabolicum, which streams 24/7. Previously, it has featured footage of me sitting down on various objects by accident while naked, but when my next guest arrives—his coming has been foretold since Creation (yep, you guessed it—the Big Guy in the Sky is a big believer in predestination, surprise surprise!)—traffic on my site will explode! Everyone who enjoys watching such things—and really, who doesn’t?—will see me slather Mr. Tiny Hands’ flabby corpus from head to toe with your fine product, SnakeSkin Lube, and insert him, quickly and efficiently, into the warm welcoming folds of my intestinal tract. I’m planning on having a broccoli, lentil, and clotted cream smoothie (of course I’m lactose intolerant!) just before he arrives, to make sure that his new home is warm and comfy. I just hope that your fine product doesn’t work so well that I lose my grip and drop him!
And while I anticipate that His Majesty’s Grand Entrance into My Satanic Sanctorum will break the OnlyFans servers, I will need to remove him daily so that he can empty the buckets he’s filled from scrubbing my duodenum clean (I’ve already got him overalls and a painter’s cap just like the ones worn by the Super Mario Brothers—très chic!) This procedure, I’m sure, will be at least as popular as King Louis XIV’s ceremonial bowel movements—a fit association for the man who would have been king! Your products, of course, will be prominently featured, and I think that your sales will skyrocket—can’t you just see two lovers turning to each other, one of them saying, “I think I’m finally ready to let you fill my bum with your loveshaft, darling—let’s use that stuff that Satan uses when he shoves that guy we regret voting for up there!”? I’ve already communicated with His Orange Majesty via dreams and hallucinations re. this matter, and let me tell you, he’s not sleeping so well these days—he’s going to be glad when the nightmares are all over and become reality.
Heck, if this works out, I’m thinking that we can collaborate on a brand specifically for this punishment—I’m thinking maybe Orange Man Bad SnakeSkin Lube with Ghost Pepper is something we can throw at the wall to see if it sticks.
I’m so excited about this new opportunity to collaborate with you! I can be contacted day or night at @onlyfans/RectumDiabolicum . I know that some might hesitate to collaborate with the Prince of Darkness, but, hey, if this weren’t all part of God’s plan, would he have given me access to the internet? Fortune favors the bold—I look forward to making this all happen with your help!
Respectfully,
Satan, AKA Lucifer AKA Mephistopheles AKA—you get the picture.
