BEWARE!
They dress July 4th up in shiny spangles, but that’s just to draw your attention. They give you a sparkler and say, “Wave this, and you shall be distracted.” They throw you a barbecue and invite all of your favorite people, so you won’t see the truth. They shoot gleaming grenades in the air for Christ’s sake, hoping it will keep from noticing. You’re so busy singing “Born in the U.S.A.” that they catch you unaware.
But folks, I’m here to tell you – it’s all a diversion! You may not realize it, but the end is near.
Remember Barry White? Do you know when he “died?” July 4th. Do you think that’s a mere coincidence?
Marie Curie? July 4th. Are you starting to see a pattern?
Eva Gabor? That’s right. July 4th.
And why do you think that is, that each would die on the very same day of different years? Do you really believe that’s mere chance?
Look, you can think what you want, but before you make up your mind, ponder this. THREE U.S. PRESIDENTS have “died” on July 4th. Founding Fathers no less. John Adams, James Monroe, and Thomas Jefferson. Only forty-five people have been president, and three of them died on the fourth day of the seventh month. What are the odds? I’ll tell you what they are. 6.66%. Think about that.
Oh sure. Some people were born on July 4th, but don’t let that fool you. The only U.S. president born on July 4th? Calvin Coolidge, who basically caused the Great Depression. You know who else was born on July 4th? Geraldo Rivera. I think I’ve made my point.
Look, before you dismiss me as a conspiracy theorist, I just want you to consider this. Putin has met with the Pope three times. They could have picked any day of the year, but do you know when they last met? July 4th.
And you’ve heard of Pizzagate, right? The child sex ring that Clinton’s folks ran out of a pizza parlor? Do you know where they outed what was happening there? On 4chan. Four-chan. Is your mind blown?
Look, I’m not saying that the government is necessarily involved, but doesn’t it seem slightly suspicious to you that of all days our government could have made itself independent, it chose July 4th – the same day that folks are so busy shooting off bottle rockets that they don’t see what’s going on around them?
I know you don’t like it when people call you sheep, but WAKE UP! Can’t you see what’s going on here? PEOPLE ARE TAKING SMALL BITS OF ABSOLUTELY UNRELATED INFORMATION AND TYING IT TOGETHER WITH OMINOUS WORDS AND CAPITAL LETTERS AND FREAKING YOUR OLDER PARENTS THE FUCK OUT. When will you see that? Or are you just going to accept without question that which is fed to you?
Were you born in the Land of the Free for nothing? Are you just going to throw away everything that Betsy Ross died for? Are you going to be so blinded by your roman candles that you don’t even acknowledge that on the very day of America’s birth, Fox News is killing your parents’ brains?
Happy fucking birthday, America.
