Hi everyone, and Happy Hanukkah! I’m here to share with you my Uncle Henry’s recipe for delicious potato latkes. My boyfriend, Todd, has cut back on his hours at Enterprise to spend more time on his jiu-jitsu, so he’s been around to help me make these every day of Hanukkah so far.
1. Peel five large potatoes. Todd was “going to use those for making the world’s biggest french fry,” but he’ll just go buy more, he guesses. Place in a bowl of cold water even though Todd is positive they are supposed to go in very hot water. Suggest that he may be thinking of “boiling potatoes.”
2. Shred potatoes and two onions in a food processor. Uncle Henry used to make these for his family growing up in Brooklyn, a tradition passed down by generations of Russian ancestors on my father’s side. As the food processor can get a little loud, make sure the closed captions are pre-set on Alaskan Bush People so Todd can finish season two.
3. Though Todd may attempt to mush the three eggs, salt, pepper, and potato mixture together with his hands because it’s “better for moisture,” you’re going to want to use a mixing stand. It is particularly important to avoid hand-to-mixture contact if Todd has just come from jiu-jitsu, where you’re not supposed to fight the teacher, but I’m pretty sure he fights the teacher.
4. Pour about one inch of hot oil into a frying pan over medium heat. The Jews have a complicated history with oil, one that has transcended time, as we remember the oil that burned for eight days in Jerusalem. As Todd reminds us all, eight days is a long time; he was once drunk for eight days straight in Atlantic City. He, like the candles in the temple, also inexplicably caught fire.
5. Allow Todd to drop small circles of the mixture into the oil because “this isn’t his first Jew,” so he knows what he’s doing.
6. Fry on each side until golden brown as Todd teaches you the difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and says some stuff about Kabbalah that sounds kind of incorrect, but you also don’t want to delve deeper into it.
7. Lay latkes on a paper towel to sop up any excess oil. If desired, serve with sour cream or on a bed of romaine that Todd bought to prove that E. coli is nothing more than a fictionalized government ploy to control the agricultural industry and consumer psychology.