Welcome to the Conceptual Cage Match, a column asking all the hard-hitting questions you never knew you had. Today we discover who was a worse father: Mufasa or God?
Mufasa was an animated royal lion known for having a heart of gold, dreamy auburn locks, and not quite enough upper body strength.
According to the expert opinions posted on mylionking.com, it’s estimated that Mufasa lived for about nine human years, or around twenty-one lion years (see Figure 1), before pulling a “Classic Mufasa” and being trampled to death by wildebeests in the gorge.
He was the father of Simba, a tween (in human years) lion who claimed he “just couldn’t wait to be king,” then, when it came time for him to be king, ran away like a total fucking tween.
While Mufasa is easily one of the most celebrated cartoon lion-fathers of our time, I’ve often found myself wondering: Was he really that great of a dad?
I’m no parenting expert, but maybe don’t call your brother “Scar,” after his facial disfigurement, if you want him to be nice to your kid and/or not attempt to murder him.
Further, I think we can all agree that Mufasa’s lion-centric “let them eat cake” mentality and misguided policies cultivated the undercurrent of civil unrest that was to be eventually inherited by Simba. I mean, the guy decided the Pride Lands’ geographic border should be “everything the light touches.” I’m not saying Mufasa was an idiot, but you don’t have to be Neil deGrasse Tyson to know that sunlight might not be the most consistent, least disputable border.
Finally, when Mufasa visits Simba as a ghost, all he does is hang around in a pond for a few seconds, guilting Simba about his lifestyle choices and into abandoning a hilarious, harmonic meerkat-warthog duo. This is obviously stupid and wrong.
God, some say, is the creator and ruler of the universe. You might have heard of him.
God (Catholic Editiontm) makes up three “persons”: The Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I like to think of this as something of a Being John Malkovich situation which, for the record, is both heretical and completely inaccurate.
Thankfully, an extremely clarifying Wikipedia diagram exists to help illustrate how everything fits together:
Jesus, some say, was the son of God. You might have heard of him.
God is known for being pretty good at everything, à la Neil Patrick Harris.
But was he a good dad? Debatable.
When it comes down to it, he created a son that he sent to Earth to be murdered. That’s textbook bad parenting. And it’s not like he didn’t see it coming because he knows everything. In fact, he even created the guys who did it – the holy version of hiring a hitman.
God was also the frustrating combination of being an overly distant yet omnipresent father. He was never around, but he was ALWAYS around. Like, give a kid some space, man. But also, would it have killed you to show up (in person) to his bar mitzvah?
And what’s even more confusing is that God is both the father AND the son. While this would make a great episode of Maury, it complicates everything. If an all-knowing God created Jesus (who is also God) as well as Jesus’ murderers, was this whole thing actually a suicide? More importantly, was God ever really a dad at all?!?!?!?!?!
Conclusion
Today, we’ve pondered another burning question the mainstream media seems to ignore.
While God did seem to be a pretty terrible dad, questions remain as to whether he was actually a father or in more of a “Voldemort Horcrux situation.” Because of this, I find it only fair to disqualify God. Thus, I officially declare Mufasa to have been the worse father.
