Best Supporting Actress Who Is Capable of Playing More Than the Fragile Female Love Interest
Only Animated Feature Film Where Two Parents Are Alive
Best Original Screenplay That Should Have Been Nominated for More Awards But Was Snubbed Because of Systemic Racism
We’re Literally Giving This Award to Whoever Is Hosting Because They Have to Be Better Than James Franco – You’re Doing Great, Sweetie!
Foreign Language Film From the Country We Have the Fewest Distressing Political Tensions With
Best Actress in a…Wait, Never Mind – We’re Just Going to Give This to Sarah Paulson Now for Whatever She’s Doing
Best Documentary That We Will Probably Watch Stoned When It Hits Netflix and Then Get Really Preachy to Our Friends About
Best Makeup and Hair that Successfully Makes Beautiful Hollywood Stars Look Slightly Less Attractive When Playing Ugly Historical Figures
Person of Hollywood Most Likely to Announce Political Candidacy Next
Best Picture to Last as “Best Picture” for 30 Seconds
Best Actor/Actress Who Will Be Deported If DACA Is Rescinded
Designated Awards for Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks, and Steven Spielberg
Best Whitewashing of a Role Meant for a Minority Actor/Actress
Technical Category That Nobody Knows Anything About But Explosions Are Cool!
Best Picture That Will Reveal Who at Your Family Dinner Table Is a Secret Homophobe
Best Actor With Sexual Abuse Allegations Against Him Who We’re Going to Give the Award to Anyway