Great news, gamers and nostalgia enthusiasts: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5 is finally out!
You’ll have hours of fun playing the latest installment in the series you originally loved as a kid, when you’d stay up all night beating every level with Funyuns-stained fingers, hopped up on Mountain Dew and unaware of life’s many eventual crushing disappointments.
Best of all, though, is that THPS 5 is loaded with hidden features! So while you revisit your awesome childhood, be sure to unlock these 12 awesome levels, characters and game modes:
- In the style of increasingly realistic graphics and gameplay of the Call of Duty series, THPS 5 has an unlockable mode that features lifelike skate game physics. Players will be thrilled to repetitively fail to ollie for the first time, followed by six weeks of real-world time delays to heal that broken clavicle after an errant pop shove-it.
- In a nod to the legendary stuntman, you can unlock “Evel Knievel mode,” where your character slowly gets old and dies of natural causes.
- Entering the Konami code on the start screen loads a fully playable original version of Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater! This change is irrevocable. No refunds will be offered.
- Unlock “Ultimate Grind Mode” and your created skater will get an office job and work there 50 hours a week for the next 30 years before enjoying a modest retirement.
- Complete “Ultimate Grind Mode” on EXTREME difficulty and unlock “Bump & Grind” mode in which your skater must dodge an overly aggressive R. Kelly*
*Only applies to female characters aged 16 and younger.
- In “California mode,” there will be 100 times more empty swimming pools available for your shredding pleasure.
- Beat the entire game on Medium difficulty and unlock a feature that allows you to follow a day in the 2015 life of Tony Hawk as the character skates courses like “cruising to water aerobics class at the YMCA” and “picking up our arthritis medication.”
- THPS 5 will allow players to vote on which characters they would like to see added to the roster. Potential add-ons include Willy Wonka, John Wilkes Booth and Mrs. Pots from Beauty and the Beast.
- Mainstay hidden character Officer Dick’s signature trick “Assume the Position” has been updated so that it is only used when skating against black players.
- First player to reach one trillion points receives a fully functional hoverboard.
- Online players who log more than 500 hours of gameplay will get the opportunity to be randomly searched by DEA officials in “hopes of disproving the connection between skaters and recreational drug usage.”
- Nail three 1080’s in a row and get the chance to skate the Republican National Convention as Chris Christie!