In an exclusive meeting, my 13-year-old self – from late fall, 1999 – sat down to chat with my 29-year-old self earlier this week. Here’s an edited excerpt from that conversation:
29-Year-Old Me: You probably have some questions for me about what we’ve been up to…
13-Year-Old Me: You probably have some advice for me about what to do and what not to do…
29: Fair. Okay. Know how it’s sorta weird and cool that you’re getting a happy trail of hair? Leads right down the belly button to your junk? It’s gonna spread. A lot.
13: Oh. Um…is that Okay? Do girls like that? Should I start shaving it?
29: It’s fine. Some girls like it, some girls don’t, but if I catch you shaving your chest hair, I’m gonna murder you.
13: Do girls like us?
29: Sort of? We’re married now. Just a few weeks ago, actually. It’s pretty cool.
13: That’s not the first girl we’ve ever been with…is it?
29: What makes you so sure it’s a girl? Same-sex marriage is pretty popular these days.
13: What?! You mean that gay-mo Adam can like…marry someone? I don’t get it.
29: Whoaaa there, you’re gonna want to pump the brakes on using “gay” as an insult. That wouldn’t end well for you these days. Just…be cool to people.
13: But how will I describe something that’s stupid or lame or sucks??
29: Try “stupid” or “lame” or “sucks.” Seriously, trust me on this one.
13: Wait, that’s off-topic. So we get to feel boobs? Like…in person?
29: It’ll happen, yes. They’re awesome. Real, fake, big, small – it’s really great.
13: WE KNOW SOMEONE WITH FAKE BOOBS?!
29: Not yet, no. But hey, I have some other cool shit to tell you about. Like, you know how the Backstreet Boys are just blowing up right now?
13: Um, duh. Yeah. Do we like them more than *NSYNC now?
29: Kinda…I mean, *NSYNC is great, but BSB is still around. JT is the only one who does much anymore, but he’s like, king of the world. JC appears on a terrible MTV “reality” show, Lance is definitely gay-
13: Shocker.
29: I know, right? Anyway, Fatone and Kirkpatrick are ghosts now. And then we saw BSB in concert. In 2013. They kind of kicked ass. Oh, and Britney Spears will take you on a roller coaster of emotions and hormones over the next 15 years. It will still confuse you. And Yeltsin is about to resign.
13: But Yeltsin is my favorite Russian president!!
29: Tragic stuff. The next guy will do some really weird stuff in about 13 years, so set a Google reminder.
13: A what?
29: A Google remi…holy shit.
13: What’s a “Google reminder?”
29: Oh man. I don’t even know where to start. I mean…just…it’s kind of everything. Remember how movies about the future show a lot of crazy technology and flying cars and stuff? It’s like that except without the flying cars. There’s this website, except it’s more than a website. It kind of reads your mind, and it helps you find any piece of information you could ever want. And sometimes it helps you find stuff you didn’t know you were looking for. And the computer is like the size of your hand, but it’s a phone. And the Internet is so goddamn fast. And…you okay?
13: …Is there still porn on the Internet?
29: Yes. Lots.
13: Take me with you.
29: Ooh, not sure I can do that. But I can tell you which shows end up being good when you look back on them.
13: Friends?
29: Not a fan. Your opinion will change in 2008.
13: Simpsons?
29: Still on the air! I don’t know how either. Haven’t watched in a while.
13: Spongebob? It’s new. It’s a cartoon about a sponge who-
29: I know, he lives in a pineapple under the sea. It’s also still on and there have been at least two feature films. We’ve seen them both. Both are awesome. Antonio Banderas is in the second one – it’s live-action (for like 10-15 minutes)! We’ll watch it on a flight from Italy to America with our wife, after visiting like 15 countries in one year.
13: Dude. What?
29: Gotta run. Y2K is real! Start digging the shelter!