Thank you for your email. I am currently out of the office and will not be returning.
I am experiencing a higher than usual volume of requests, including but not limited to: requests to smile, requests to wave, requests to stand next to someone for the duration of an anthem, and requests to “just do the Christmas decorations again, the media loved that.” I am unable to respond to these requests at this time, or at any future time, as I am on a wellness retreat of indefinite length in a location I have asked my lawyer to describe only as “not Mar-a-Lago.”
If your matter is urgent, please contact my assistant, who quit in 2021, or my husband’s assistant, who is currently testifying.
If you are emailing about “one more campaign, baby, the biggest one, everyone is saying it”: please be advised that I have consulted the Constitution, my prenup, and a woman named Sandrine who reads tarot in Palm Beach, and all three agree that my obligations have been fulfilled.
For all press inquiries, please note that I have never been here, I was barely here when I was here, and any photographs suggesting otherwise were taken of a body double whom I wish nothing but strength.
I will respond to your email in the order it was received, which is to say, after the emails from Barron, my parents, the Slovenian embassy, Dior, and Jill Biden.
Best,
M