In a recent NASA Advisory Council (NAC) hearing at the Mary W. Jackson NASA Headquarters in Washington, DC, a man claiming to be from Brooklyn, New York – identifying himself only as “Firpo” – submitted testimony regarding gastrointestinal events during space travel.
Firpo cited recent Artemis II mission “operational issues” involving NASA’s Universal Waste Management System (UWMS) – “the terlit.”
In his proposal, coined “The Artemis Methane Initiative” (TMI), Firpo recommended, in cooperation with corporate sponsorship and potential funding from companies such as Glad, Hefty, and Febreze – that the agency develop NASA-grade odor containment pouches (OCP) – “high-end Zippy bags for farts.”
Firpo’s “Gastrointestinal Atmospheric Sampling” (GAS) research confirmed that without gravity to drive natural convection, flatulence loses its buoyancy-driven movement and no longer dissipates naturally from the astronaut who emitted it.
“The gas remains suspended around the individual,” Firpo testified, “leaving astronauts trapped inside a virtual nebula of their own farts.”
Firpo further stated that these findings support longstanding investigative conclusions by Snopes, the online fact-checking site, regarding the probable origin of the phrase “whoever smelt it dealt it.”
Firpo reportedly acquired extensive knowledge in this field during his study of SBOs – “Silent But Orbiting” flatulence – and related malodorous retention events, as documented in his book The Giving Pants: Behind the Scenes, published by vanity press giant Austin, Macauley, & Ziggy.
Firpo has also been credited with spearheading the public service campaign: “If Sitting Is the New Smoking, Then I’m Going to Need a Bigger Ashtray,” whose print advertisements depict a large-derriered man seated inside an overflowing ashtray of cigarette butts.