Our motto: 2 Timothy 4:6: “…the time of my departure has come.”
Pilot: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
My thanks to Madonna and RuPaul for explaining how seat belts work and that it is against the law to smoke anywhere on the plane. This information is provided to ensure that if there are any time travelers from the past onboard, they are caught up on information the rest of us have had for about 50 years.
(Whispered aside) What? No, I don’t think babies know how to use seat belts. OK, hold on.
My copilot has correctly informed me that we also want to make sure that any unaccompanied babies know how to use seatbelts too and make it clear that just because mommy and daddy aren’t around, doesn’t mean they can be bad babies and take up smoking.
Anyway, on behalf of our award-winning cabin crew, I’d like to welcome you on board this Sardine Airlines flight. Our flight time today will be an hour and a half but will feel much longer because of the kid kicking the back of your seat, the baby screaming two rows behind you, and for some mysterious reason, the unaccompanied emotional support pony sitting beside you.
If there is any way we can be of assistance don’t hesitate to ask but please remember there is a charge associated with everything on this flight except the air you breathe and rest assured our lawyers are working on a way to charge you for that as well.
Please sit back and enjoy your flight. Remember, at Sardine Airlines, your safety is our number one priority.
(Whispered aside) What? No, of course getting the cattle… er, customers to their destination is a priority too. Yes, I suppose they’ve already paid, and we keep the money whether they arrive safely or not. Fine, hold on.
I’m sorry, my copilot has once again corrected me. Your safety is not our priority, it is a priority. Clearly, we want to get you to where you’re going as well and get paid for doing it. Not necessarily in that order. If safety was our number one priority, we would just shut down the airline entirely. Not flying at all would be much safer than shooting a big metal tube full of short-tempered people, babies, and emotional support animals into the atmosphere.
Co-pilot (Whispering): Especially when you consider that this plane is 52 years old. They’d probably be safer on a newer plane. Or taking a bus for that matter. They would never believe all the “required” maintenance we skipped to save on costs. But you can never be too thrifty… or is that safe?
Pilot: Yes, safety is a concern. For all of us. Nearer my God to thee and all that. However, you booked your trip on an economy airline so that’s on you. You place your bets and you take your chances. (Whispering) Why I took this job is another question.
Anyway, let me summarize… here at Sardine Airlines, I can say with all honesty that our priority is to provide you with a safe-ish, economic, and comfortable flying experience.
(Whispered aside) What? Dammit, did I say the “c” word? Crap! How am I going to back out of that one? Fine, you try then.
Co-Pilot: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, this is your co-pilot speaking. The captain has been… ah… called away briefly to… uhm… adjust a bunch of… er… buttons? Yes, buttons! Safety buttons!
Pilot: Good one Jerry.
Co-pilot (Whispered aside): Shut up, they’re going to buy this!
Anyway, while he’s doing button things, I thought I’d take a minute to talk to all of you about what “komfort” means to us at Sardine Airlines.
At Sardine Airlines “Komfort” is more than just a word, it’s a made-up word… I mean it’s a corporate brand that sounds like “comfort” with a “c” but is spelled with a “k” and has a completely different meaning which absolves us of any legal requirement to ensure a painless and cheap… er… affordable flying experience.
“Komfort” with a “k” is our promise to you that we’ve done everything in our power to keep costs low. This has required us to make some slight modifications to the cabin.
You may have noticed that where most planes of this size have A, B, C, and D seats, ours go up to K. To fit these extra seats, we’ve had to slightly reduce their width. This will have no impact on your “komfort.” Unless we’re talking about comfort with a “c” in which case, yes, it has drastically reduced that.
Pilot (jumping in): Unless you’re an infant. We’ve found that infants are perfectly fine with the new enhanced executive premium seating – which is what we’re calling them because… well, it sounds pretty cool, right?
Co-Pilot: Right. However, if you’re not lucky enough to be an infant you may experience some… discomfort. That’s discomfort with a “c.” There’s no such thing as “discomfort” with a “k.” Yet. It’s possible that corporate is working on something. Perhaps tied to the plan to charge you for air.
In-flight Corporate Lawyer: (Angry whisper) Dammit give me that mic!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your in-flight corporate lawyer speaking. I’d like to apologize for the misunderstandings. While the pilot and copilot may be a little confused with respect to the airline’s priority, I can assure you that they are both excellent pilots with well over 12 hours of flying experience between them.
Let me assure you that prior to rolling out the new enhanced executive premium seating, extensive testing was performed to ensure the seats met the stringent standards required to absolve us of any liability. Rest assured there is no court in the land that would convict us of any injuries you may sustain while onboard. What’s more, interviews with surviving testers determined that if you kind of squeeze your ass cheeks together, roll slightly onto your side, and put all your weight on one cheek, not only will the smallest amongst you fit in the seat, but there’s a pretty good chance you’ll arrive at your destination with only slight paralysis which will probably fade slowly over the next week.
Those of you in the last five rows of the plane may be thinking to yourself “hey, shouldn’t I have a seat?”
First, let me congratulate you on your ability to retain your powers of thought at this point. Surveys have shown that roughly 95% of the people who fly Sardine Airlines are blind drunk at this point and fail to notice they were standing for the entire trip.
Second, no.
You may recall that when you booked your flight you elected to save $25 by allowing the airline to assign you your seat. You may not have noticed that seat was spelled with a “c.” “Ceat” is a corporate brand of seating that provides more “Komfort” for your gluteus maximus by having you place your entire weight on your feet and legs for the duration of the flight.
Sadly, you will still be required to wear a seatbelt. Not because a seatbelt will do any good during a crash, but rather because we’re sadists. All airline employees are. Of course, since you’re standing it is more of a full body harness that prevents all movement than a standard seatbelt which is why it is called a “ceatbelt.” Once again, surviving testers – at least those who regained the power of speech – insisted that giving birth to an 18-pound baby, getting a root canal without anesthetic, and being kicked in the nads by an angry gorilla were all slightly worse experiences than flying Sardine Airlines – yes, our testing was that extensive. We’re sadists, remember?
You may be wondering why the pony gets to sit and you don’t. There’s actually a very fascinating legal reason for this. In Pony v. Sardine Airlines –
Pilot (wrestling mic away): That’s enough, I think. Ladies and gentlemen, I have some… last-minute preps to do, so let me hand you over to my co-pilot for some final remarks.
Co-Pilot: Thanks. Ladies and gentlemen, we’re about ready to take off, so if you would please cram yourself into your “ceats” or stand there regretting your choices, we will take off momentarily.
Pilot: (Praying quietly in the background): The Lord is my Shepherd…
Co-Pilot: Rest assured that here at Sardine Airlines, while we have a long list of concerns, your safety is probably on it.
Pilot (Whispered aside): Somewhere near the bottom I imagine.