Right, so part of your supply chain may or may not rely upon a “brutal regime” that may or may not be using “slave labor” in what some are calling “concentration camps” where said regime is said to be conducting “ethnic cleansing” and/or “cultural eradication” via “mandatory sterilizations” slash “brainwashing” slash “enhanced interrogation” etcetera. Alright.
We can work with that.
Supply chains are complex! Your official policy is to rigorously vet all contractors, zero exceptions, exceeding Due Diligence, an industry leader for all the world to see, but of course, your oversight can only go so far in these difficult times. Now more than ever!
You are taking these concerns Extremely Seriously. Upon becoming aware of them you launched a Full Investigation and are cooperating with all appropriate unnamed authorities. You are committed to a culture of Safety and Transparency and Not Torture. Reiterate that your corporate ethos is and has always been unflinchingly Anti-Atrocity.
Is this The Holocaust? This is not The Holocaust. In fact, you may be able to litigate against anyone who suggests that this is The Holocaust, on grounds of defamation slash libel against an upstanding corporate citizen with First Amendment rights of its own. If anything, you should hope that some activist slash Nobel laureate dares to intimate that this is in any way remarkably similar to certain unsavory aspects of The Holocaust, because we will sue them into a fugue state and their operation into bankruptcy and their whole extended family into a trailer park at which point other potential Threat Actors will think twice. About pointing out the several parallels between your situation and several essential stages of The Holocaust.
Speaking of, under no circumstance should you refer to your situation as anything other than an Ongoing Matter Currently Under Review To Which You Can Speak No Further Due To The Active Investigation.
Is this Rwanda?
It is not.
Kosovo?
No sir.
In times like these, the media will trip over itself to lionize “survivors” slash “heroic dissidents” simply because their entire families were “disappeared” or their hands were hacked off as punishment for stealing bread to feed their starving at-that-point-not-yet-disappeared families.
Right, onto Deliverables. During ongoing matters like these, we recommend maximum strategic ambiguity. All public statements should be wholly boilerplate/totally repetitive. Novelty is the enemy. Novelty begets hashtags.
Under no circumstance should you be interesting. Consumers should spend no more than thirty seconds exposed to your Communications Assets before losing interest and disengaging entirely. We recommend you review all pre-scheduled social media posts and cancel those that in any way reference Corporate Responsibility/Giving Back slash Bettering Mankind.
Should you decide to retain our services we will be available twenty-four-seven, three-sixty-five to field any and all inbound inquiries; procure releases, holding statements, and external communications (not to be referred to as “propaganda”); initiate Dialogue with potential Third-Party Allies (not “yes-men” or “paid sycophants”); pitch sympathetic reporters (who are the very opposite of “state media”); and circulate Zoom links. If you absolutely must put a spokesperson in front of a camera, ensure that they wear navy or grey and do not have an accent, and are neither too attractive nor too disfigured. Practice your Bridging Mechanisms and Deflection Techniques. Answer the questions you wish you were asked, not those that have actually been asked. Circulate internal FAQs. Remind your employees of the consequences of violating binding NDAs. Maybe fire one of them abruptly as a warning to the others. Purge yourself o’ the milk of human kindness. Use encrypted DMs. Unsex thyself, stop up the access and passage to remorse, should your gender identity so demand it. Try to get some rest.
And it goes without saying that should you retain our services we will direct all correspondence through third-party counsel in order to qualify it as an Attorney-Client Work Product between yourself and Seventh Circle Strategic Communications. Rest assured, this entire conversation has been Privileged and Confidential.
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Right. I believe next up on the pre-call agenda was the matter of your CEO’s unfortunate company-wide email allegedly containing an enormous quantity of sensitive personal content (henceforth slash forevermore slash ‘till judgment day cometh not to be referred to under any circumstance whatsoever as “dick pics”).
