1. Find your lucky seat
Plop down in a comfortable spot on your couch and make sure you have a solid view of the TV. If your team wins, this is now the seat you will sit in during future games. But if your team loses, you’ll need to find another seat for the next game, and continue searching until you find the seat that “works.”
2. Find your lucky shirt
When your team wins its first game of the season, take note of the shirt you’re wearing that day. This is now your game-day shirt, and you’ll need to wear it on every game day going forward.
3. Don’t wash your lucky shirt
The luck is in the shirt. Remember when the washer shredded that pair of athletic shorts, cursing your alma mater for life? You don’t want to blame your wife for that, but since she does all the laundry it was kind of her fault. Best to keep this shirt out of the hamper to avoid any mishaps.
4. In fact, don’t wash any of your game-day clothes
It may have been the shirt that brought the luck, but what if it was your pants? Your socks? Your underwear? It’s better to not wash anything. Just in case. Find a little hidey hole to store these precious items until next week!
5. Don’t shave
Ever seen professional athletes grow a “playoff beard?” Why not go all out all season? Your crew cut, your beard, your nose and ear hair. Even those weird little tufts that grow out of your shoulders. Let it all grow wild. The more hair, the more luck. If your wife asks, tell her you lost your trimmers.
6. Pay more attention to your lucky numbers
It’s always been 7, right? Try getting up at 7:07 a.m. on game day. If that doesn’t work, get up at 7:07 a.m. every day. If you accidentally oversleep, go ahead and call in sick to work. It’s best not to get out of bed until 7:07 p.m. at this point, no matter what your damn wife says.
7. Be aware of your actions during the game
Did you notice that when you got up to pee the other team took the lead? Well, you shouldn’t have gotten up. That’s it. No going to the bathroom for the rest of the game – and that includes halftime. You’re going to have to piss in your empty beer bottles. And if the team wins? You gotta leave those bottles exactly as they are until next week. Steal the Glade air freshener from the bathroom and stick it over in the corner so your wife stops searching for the source of the “mysterious basement odor.” This was supposed to be your space, after all!
8. Be aware of your actions at all times
Each and every action you take could be affecting the outcome of this game. Did you remember to turn the oven off after you made nachos? No. But your team won, so now the oven stays on. Tape the knob down so your wife can’t make any changes. Chow down and allow the crunching to drown out her nagging. Let the heat fill your home as you sweat through your lucky clothes.
9. Clear your mind and focus on doing what it takes to secure a win
Visualize your team winning. Don’t think about the fact that someone else in the world who is a fan of the other team may be going through these exact steps right now and canceling you out. Oh, quick – your wife is after those goddamn piss bottles again. Tell her you’re under a lot of pressure right now and it’d be great if she could just give you a break for one fucking second.
10. If your team loses, blame someone else
You did everything right. There’s absolutely no way that something you did caused this loss. Ah, there’s your wife. Of course! This all started when you had to kick that bitch out of your lucky seat. Your team would have won easily if she had stayed off the damn couch and stopped complaining about “that smell” and your body hair. So what if you were in bed until 7 p.m. twice last week? And okay, yes, the kitchen caught fire, but that’s why you have insurance! It’s like you can’t have one fucking thing for yourself around here. Nobody in this whole damn house wants you to be happy!
Repeat as necessary until your team wins the championship. Once victory is secured, call and ask your wife to come back until the next season begins.
