It’s simple. If you want to be a real assassin, then you must kill someone every day. No excuses. As an award-winning contract killer myself, if I’m not murdering someone, then I’m thinking about murdering someone. Because if you’re not constantly sharpening your blade, then you’re never gonna make it in this cutthroat industry.
I get emails from ambitious graduate students every day asking me how they can break into the professional killing industry. Sometimes they’ll even include a link to their portfolio, begging me to critique their homicides. But if I’m being honest with you, ninety-nine percent of them are garbage. You want to know why? Because they lack consistency. You can’t have just one or two horrific murders. All of them have to be horrific.
And the only way to accomplish that is by making a habit out of killing every day. Consistency is what separates the professionals from the run-of-the-mill murder enthusiasts. You need to be able to deliver every single time. You can’t just be “passionate” about slaughtering people. Everyone’s passionate about slaughtering people!
If you truly want to turn your hobby into a career, then it’s critical that you develop and sustain a killer work ethic.
That’s why I’ve made it a point to do morning assassinations. I wake up, make myself a cup of Nespresso, and then I assassinate three people before lunch. It doesn’t always have to be an ambassador or trade commissioner. Sometimes a school board member or Panera Bread employee will do. It’s not about the value of the target, it’s about getting in the reps.
If you dread waiting in line at the post office to mail out your anthrax or if you don’t have the patience to sanitize your crossbow, then this probably isn’t for you. Professional murder takes discipline. Sure, it’s easy to harpoon someone when you’re angry, but can you harpoon someone on Christmas morning? Do you have it in you to strangle an oligarch in the backseat of a limousine when you could be at home watching Property Brothers? These are the sacrifices you must make if you decide to go pro.
Amateurs complain about “assassin’s block,” but the trick is to just start. The murder will come, I promise. For example, my last target was a stock boy at Trader Joe’s. I had no idea how I was gonna take him out. I don’t even shop at Trader Joe’s! But I lay my doubt to rest and simply approached him. Next thing I knew, I was bludgeoning him to death with a bag of scallion pancakes! The point is that you can’t rely on inspiration all the time. Sometimes you just have to start murdering and trust that your hands will take care of the rest.
You also have to stop comparing yourself to other assassins, because it’s true what they say: comparison is the thief of joy. I mean, taking lives is also a thief of joy, but you know what I mean. Stop looking at other people’s kills on Instagram. That’s just their homicide highlight reel, not their reality. It doesn’t show the countless hours they spent talking to a customer service representative of a Chinese poison dart company. It doesn’t show the passive aggressive texts from their spouse nagging them about leaving the samurai swords out on the kitchen counter again. And, most importantly, it doesn’t acknowledge the unrelenting self-doubt that every assassin faces.
As we all know, you’re only as good as your last compensated murder.
Another thing: assassinate whenever inspiration strikes. That’s why I keep a ski mask on me at all times. So when I receive a visit from my Murder Muse, I can immediately test out my idea on an unsuspecting stranger at Marshalls or Chick-fil-A or wherever I happen to be. You have to fall in love with the creative process.
I’m sure you’ve heard this one before: “Find what you love to do and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Well, that’s how I feel about murder. No project is ever the same. Sometimes it’s a simple chloroform job, other times it’s a flashy “shooter on the grassy knoll” kind of job. Keeps things interesting, ya know? All I know is I could never go back to being a desk jockey.
Just remember, it’s not gonna be easy. There are going to be countless stakeouts and more 1099 forms than you can imagine. You gotta be able to take the hits, both metaphorically and literally because sometimes they punch back.
If this sounds like too much, then perhaps you should consider an easier profession, one with more stability and promised success. Maybe comedy?
