Hey government!
It’s me, Megan K. Schwartz/Civilian 8FB4U5T7TI7T92Z.
As it becomes increasingly likely that you’ll soon begin surveilling me via hacked cameras, smart devices, etc., I want to issue an explicit warning:
If you spy on me, you will not like what you see.
“Of course,” you’re thinking. “She’s worried we’ll witness her committing acts of treason.” Government, I urge you to listen when I express that acts of treason will be the least unsettling thing you witness.
There will be your standard unpleasantness, sure. But the nose picking, reckless meatball sub eating, and repeated streams of Taylor Swift’s Lover album (mostly during the reckless meatball sub eating) are just the tip of the iceberg.
Let me paint you a picture:
I once had a voyeur hack my laptop webcam and he left on his own accord after only 25 minutes.
You want to read my texts? I don’t even like to read my texts.
Ever seen a woman unenthusiastically masturbate while half-watching a Ken Burns documentary on the Dust Bowl? Not yet!
About once a week, I floss too intensely then pretend to be Dracula with my blood mouth, which I know sounds cool, but I can only do an Irish accent so it’s mostly just upsettingly inaccurate.
Do you really want to observe the daily going-ons of the type of person who snaps a plastic headband in half to scrape the final vestiges of Nutella from the remote corners of a jar instead of making the eight-foot journey to the kitchen for a spoon?
You like The Phantom of the Opera? How about a very stoned woman cradling a blind dog who she calls “Tinkle King” while improvising pug-themed lyrics to “Music of The Night?”
How many turtles do you think can fit in a 900-square-foot apartment? Guess again.
And finally, these are a few of my paintings:
Government, I think it’s clear that I have your best interest at heart when I ask that you don’t surveil me.
I mean, come on. Look at those paintings.
Yours,
Megan K. Schwartz/Civilian 8FB4U5T7TI7T92Z.
