Welcome to the Conceptual Cage Match, a column asking all the hard-hitting questions you never knew you had. Today, we determine who’s a bigger disappointment to poor kids: Santa Claus or the public school system.
Santa Claus is an obese magician who invades houses to give toys to the children he deems “up to his standards.” While Santa has never confirmed the motivation behind his yearly break-ins, they, without fail, occur on the same date as rival magician Jesus Christ’s annual birthday bash. Coincidence? Or perhaps a long-running case of “thunder stealing” tying back to an ancient magicians’ rift? Historians find the latter more probable.
The American public school system provides payment-free education to America’s youth, offering institutions where scholars can acquire a vast knowledge of important topics such as “geometry” and “bathroom vandalism.”
Santa Claus and the public education system share many similarities. Both judge kids on meaningless, subjective standards of excellence. Further, both claim to be equitable, yet continuously offer a false sense of promise to low-income youth while disproportionately favoring children in wealthy neighborhoods. This frequently overlooked systemic inequality is hardly surprising, as both Claus and the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, are out-of-touch billionaires and certified d-holes.
The Case Against Santa
Sure, the public education system has screwed a lot of poor kids. But you know what it hasn’t screwed? Their moms.
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Santa, who, according to 85% of Christmas songs, loves himself a jolly mother. (Though, to be fair, he hooks up with moms of every socioeconomic bracket.)
The Case Against the American Public School System
Santa takes food (cookies) from kids and the public school system provides food for kids, so this obviously comes out in favor of the public school system, right?
Wrong.
Have you ever eaten a public school chicken patty?
Conclusion
There’s no arguing that both Santa Claus and the American public school system disappoint poor kids, year after year.
But who’s more culpable?
While this is an extremely close match, I’m going to have to go with Santa.
Why?
Because unlike Santa, my predominantly low-income public school education gave me lifelong gifts: a strong immune system, an expansive swear vocabulary, and an inferiority complex that will forever fuel my need for praise!!!
And again, it never slept with my mom.
Merry Christmas!
