Welcome to the Conceptual Cage Match, a column asking all the hard-hitting questions you never knew you had. Today, we ponder a pressing debate – Which famous duo would bring more to the table at your next threesome: Lewis and Clark or Bert and Ernie?
Lewis and Clark were explorers, known by most for their 1804 expedition into the western United States and known by my dad as “a couple of pretty cool guys, Megan.”
Now I know what you’re thinking: “Everyone already knows that Lewis and Clark would’ve been phenomenal threesome partners.” And yes, I agree this appears to be an obvious fact. But as an investigative journalist, it is my duty to question even the least controversial notions regarding the sexual prowess of historical figures. That’s something you learn on day one of journalism school, a place that I definitely went to.
So before you send out the evites to your next posthumous threesome, consider the following:
Point: L&C are well-known for their sensual “weak chins, strong sideburns” look. You know the old saying: “The weaker the chin, the stronger the lover.”
Counterpoint: Sideburns? More like “pee burns.” ‘Cause these two definitely both had untreated syphilis.
Point/Counterpoint: L&C were both Leos. I’m sure that probably means something good or bad to somebody somewhere.
Point: They, by choice, traveled over 7,000 miles on foot. Homeboys were down for anything 😉
Counterpoint: They, by choice, traveled over 7,000 miles on foot. Just imagine those feet.
Point: This is Meriwether Lewis’ coat of arms:
Counterpoint: What the actual fuck
Bert and Ernie are educational puppets known for their lessons on friendship, values, and repressed homoeroticism.
Watching Bert and Ernie, one can’t help but wonder: How would things play out in a puppet-human ménage à trois?
A few things to consider:
Point: Decades of mutually repressed sexual desire for one another have primed B&E for an erotic explosion!
Counterpoint: It’s easy to imagine being fully ignored when these two finally grant themselves any sort of carnal liberation.
Point: Soft, gentle touch
Counterpoint: Absorbent
Point: Ernie’s definitely no stranger to group sex.
Counterpoint: Ernie’s definitely had group sex with strangers.
Point: Might not have penises
Counterpoint: Entire body shaped like penises
Conclusion
Today, we’ve explored two complicated and sensual duos seeking to determine which famous pair you should invite to your next threesome: Lewis and Clark or Bert and Ernie.
Both duos have a lot to offer, but if I have to choose one, I’d definitely have to go with both. Why have a threesome with puppets or historical figures when you could have a fivesome with puppets AND historical figures?
