You know him as a spiritual healer, a martial arts master, an international movie star, a seven-handicap golfer, a Michelin star-rated chef and a legitimate police officer. Now meet Steven Seagal: life coach.
Steven’s new program works like this: Say you want to be a better person, so you hire Seagal’s services. A few days later you drop your empty Capri Sun in a park. Seagal jumps out from behind a tree, slaps you in the face and mentions the garbage can around the corner. You laugh. The pony-tailed guru squints. You receive a frontal snap kick that sends you back in time. Seagal does an ancient, cross-parallel meditative chant that bends the fabric of space, grabs you by the hair, and pulls you back to the present. He then informs you in an even voice that small animals can mistake the pouch for food and choke. You understand Seagal’s concern. Seagal flicks you on the testicle, bringing you to your knees, then gently kisses your forehead, followed by autographing a headshot, which he gives you free of charge. Suddenly it all makes sense. You quit your job at the oil refinery, buy a Toyota Prius, install solar panels on your brand spanking new eco tree house, volunteer your son at a soup kitchen, and take your wife to restaurants with locally sourced ingredients.
If this sounds like an over-promise, watch On Deadly Ground then tell me a mystical martial arts environmentalist can’t change your fucking world.
Now, due to the rising Sagittarius nebula, and a small tax fraud case requiring immediate payment, Seagal is offering his proven pain therapy for a not-so-painful price. No longer do you have to be a polluter, a terrorist, or a millionaire’s son using forced labor to frack an Indian reservation to qualify. Seagal himself has created three affordable treatments everyone can enjoy. Finally hard-working, honest, everyday people can get the internal bleeding they need to make permanent life changes.
Hibis-kiss – $39.99
This affordable package gets you a healthy open-palmed slap, with a side of spiritual metaphor. Great for on-the-goers looking for the perspective change of a six-day trip to Bhutan.
Tranquili-tea – $99.99
This one gets you five minutes of brutality. Say you need to stop back-talking your wife. A rising sun snap kick with a passage from the Bhagavad Gita should help. Maybe you watch porn in public libraries. Not after a Seagal elbow plunger with a Maori hymn.
Enlighten-mint – $199.99
The caviar of life-changing events gets you a half-hour cage session PLUS a copy of Under Siege 2. We’re talking fists, head-butts, noogies, sleeper holds, mind expansion, perspective changes, life re-assessments, broken bones, chakra alignment, high-quality action cinema, and a mild case of post traumatic stress disorder.
It’s as though the universe created a cure-all in Seagal’s fists, feet, shins, upper forehead, elbows, knees, pinkies, eyebrows, and clavicle. Scientists call it impossible. Doctors call it ludicrous. Steven calls it “Seagalism” and it can work for you. But please, do NOT be fooled by Seagal impersonators. You’ll get the scars, but not the higher plane of understanding.
Perhaps you’re thinking you could be your own Seagalist just by hitting yourself? It depends. Have you made over forty of Hollywood’s greatest films? Are you a martial arts master? Is your “business casual” a bulletproof kimono? Did you record a Grammy-nominated reggae album? Can you drink Mexican tap water without getting sick? Are you legally allowed to be nude in public parks? Are you medically cleared to have an erection that lasts longer than four hours? Oh, you are? Then you must be Steven Seagal. Glad you had time to read this in-between changing lives forever.
Hey, we all have problems. Maybe you’re getting bullied at yoga or passed over for middle management, or maybe you’re just a melodramatic, whining, non-recycler. Call Seagal now and get the life you want – the life you deserve. Painlightenment is a roundhouse kick away.