I knew I shouldn’t have come tonight. I had a bad feeling about it from the jump, but I still let myself get bullied into joining you. I told you your relatives would act weird about you dipping your toe in the folkloric character dating pool.
I told you I wouldn’t gel with them as your ex did. She was a color consultant! Of course, everybody loved her! What am I?? Just an anthropomorphized hobby horse from South Wales, that’s what. “What do you do for a living, dear?” Oh, I’m part of a charming Yuletide tradition where I, a bedecked horse skull, go house to house with my friends and we sing at people to let us in!
How do you figure that’ll translate over here, babe?! Everybody whispering to one another, “That one is a complete freak! AND she’s only a seasonal worker!!”
Remember how you put it? When you broke the news to me that you’d mentioned bringing me along to your mom? I expressed some very valid concerns, and what was your response?
“Oh Mari Lywd, it’s almost 2023; you don’t have to worry about discrimination like that! My family is very accepting; you’ll blend right in!”
And what happened – no, listen to me! What happened at the front door? No, I’m not yelling, you just want me to shut up! What happened? Your mother answered and didn’t know the first thing about a pwnco! That’s a woman who’s never wassailed in her whole life! It was so embarrassing. She was trying to be nice, but she was obviously uncomfortable. You didn’t think to, I don’t know, discreetly explain a few of my cultural customs to her over the phone when you let her know you were extending an invite to me?
Why not say, ‘‘Mom, by the way, when my girlfriend starts singing for permission to come inside, please don’t ask ‘Why is she doing that?’ or ‘Is she having some kind of fit, should I get help?’ Please don’t ask, ‘Does she not know any American carols? Does she know the lyrics to ‘Silver Bells?’”
She was supposed to sing back to me! She needed to turn me down a couple times, and then let us in! There’s a whole RITUAL. Instead, because of you, we had your mom going, “Just get in, I’m letting too much cold air in the house; you know your Uncle Ralph has arthritis and the cold makes his joint pain flare up.”
You really left me holding the bag. No! Stop that! You know perfectly well that I meant it metaphorically – you’re not taking this seriously! I REALIZE I DON’T HAVE HANDS! At what point, throughout our entire relationship so far, have I ever not been cognizant of the fact that I’m a head attached to a pole, draped in sackcloth and imbued with Celtic magic! I was totally transparent on my Hinge profile!
… Are you actually laughing right now?
You absolute twmffat. Yeah, you heard me!
If you hadn’t fucked off five minutes after we got in to play grab-ass with your cousins, you might’ve seen how people were treating me! What? No, repeat what you just said – I want to know!
“It wasn’t grab-ass, it was horseplay???” Okay. Okay!!! Go on, continue to belittle my pain! Have another eggnog! It’s the holidays! Time to let loose, right? What’s the big deal?? I’m only drowning in humiliation!
Yes, it’s that bad! Would I be speaking at this pitch if it weren’t? I’ve been all alone for the past hour, meeting strangers for the first time, doing my best to make a good impression! Did it not occur to you that I might require a little assistance?? Introducing myself?? Imagine the number of times I’ve been asked how to spell my name. Guess how tired I am of telling people, “Well, yes, it’s spelled L-W-Y-D but it sounds like LLOYD”! I even had someone say to me, “Lloyd like from Dumb and Dumber?” And I agreed. My beautiful name, compared to Dumb and Dumber!
Huh, is that so?? Is the full name of Jim Carrey’s character in that movie Lloyd Christmas??? Am I supposed to be amused by that??? What a HILARIOUS coincidence!!! You’re really loving this, aren’t you?
I swear I’m about to gallop the fuck right out of here and just wait for you in the car!
I even tried to hide out in the bathroom upstairs earlier, and when I saw myself in the mirror I noticed some of my ribbons were tangled – how long have they been like that? Had you seen them like that before? Were they messed up on the way over? Why didn’t you warn me?
If my eyes weren’t just bits of shiny glass, I’d be crying right now!
What about dinner? Won’t your mom and sister-in-law serve dinner eventually? They’re going to judge me for how I eat if they haven’t already condemned me for my unkempt ribbon mane! I haven’t seen anybody else’s girlfriends with ribbons for hair, okay? Everybody has hair for hair and all of it seems immaculately brushed! What kind of conversation am I supposed to have if they seat me next to your grandpa? What will his reaction be when I tell him I grew up in Llangynwyd?? He won’t think it’s a real place! He’ll get mad when I insist that I’m being honest; he’ll say I’m making fun of him!
Me, making fun of an old man? That’s not who I am!!
How can I freely go clac-clac-clac above my plate to eat, when I know it’ll spook all the other guests? Is a fleshless equine head, made animate through some kind of Druidcraft, not allowed to eat in peace? To enjoy food as she was naturally meant to, without lips or a tongue?
Oh shit! Isn’t that one of your little nieces coming our way? The one your aunt said was taking up equestrian lessons soon? She probably got curious and wanted to catch a glimpse of me, but-!!
Aaaaaand there she goes, screaming back down the hall.
Ugh, I want to go home!
Screw this and screw you, too; I’m calling an Uber. You can drive home without me! And sleep on the couch!
I fucking HATE Christmas!
