During The Great Vegan Boom of 2019, women under the age of thirty ditched the dairy, surviving on vibrators and avocado toast alone. In search of the tastiest milk alternative, they turned to rice, soy, almonds, and coconuts until esteemed ex-POTUS, Oprah Winfrey, turned to oats. Beneath the shallow joys of oat milk consumption, however, society neglected a beloved breakfast hero: the Quaker Oats Man, also known on Soundcloud as, “Quake N’ Bake.” Three years later I had the privilege of sitting down with Quake to talk all things milk.
Maddy Carroll: Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule.
Quake N’ Bake: Hello, hello, it is me, Quake N’ Bake. You may know of me from my newest single, “Murder the Milkers” out now Soundcloud. And I can assure there will be new content coming soon all the way from the OAT FACTORY!! Can they see my tongue?
MC: No, there are no cameras. This is a written interview.
QN’B: No podcast?
MC: Nope, but I’m impressed you know what a podcast is.
QN’B: Oh, sure I listen to The Ben Shapiro Sh–
MC: Okay! Let’s get started.
QN’B: Alright let me fix my hat. Look suitable?
MC: There are no– nevermind. So, Quake, what happened all those years ago when Oprah brought oat milk into the mainstream? How did your life change?
QN’B: The better question is: How didn’t my life change?
MC: …
QN’B: So, ask me.
MC: Ask you what?
QN’B: How didn’t my life change?
MC: Oh, okay. How didn’t your life change?
QN’B: Dumb question. My life DID change in a number of ways. Only worse, never better.
MC: Can you be more specific?
QN’B: You see, before people were stuck at home, veganism and plant milks alike were still a novelty. Even after Oprah’s War on Utters, oat milk didn’t get much attention until that clock application… Tic Tac?
MC: I think you mean Tik Tok.
QN’B: Anyway, life was horrendous. Large corporations like Star-Donuts and Dunkinbucks sought my milky goodness. I went from owning and operating my very own oats farm to forcing my precious man bits into exploitative labor.
MC: Man bits?
QN’B: Yes, dear, the bits.
MC: Do you mean your penis?
QN’B: And my sacks, of course. Where do you think it all ferments?
MC: So you’re saying…
QN’B: I jizz raw oat milk.
MC: …
QN’B: And because oat milk is in such high demand, companies are now taking my sweet semen right from the source.
MC: Oh my god, that’s horrible.
QN’B: You’re telling me. And I’m the only person on the planet who ejaculates delicious vegan milk, so every plant-based company on the market has me under strict house arrest. I get one hour for outdoor time, thirty minutes to work on my beats, and the rest of my day is spent getting hard and– how do the kids say it now– yeeting my meat, to Tony the Tiger… no phones outside the booth so I keep a stash of old cereal boxes under my bed.
MC: That’s awesome. Are you gay?
QN’B: Bisexual, if you wanna put a label on it.
MC: So what now? Is there any way we as readers can help?
QN’B: Well… yes. But it may be a rather raunchy request.
MC: I think we crossed that line a long time ago.
QN’B: Okay, then. Dearest readers, I don’t expect much from the few of you that have made it this far. And kudos for helping this stoutly boy scout with his… is this a school project, son?
MC: Um, this is an interview for my extremely local, but just as professional, newspaper. And I’m not a boy scout, I’m a gay woman in my mid-twenties.
QN’B: Ah, that makes much more sense! My apologies. Continue, please.
MC: You were the one speaking, Quake.
QN’B: Right, right. I can’t seem to get my mind off that damn tiger. Mm, mm, mm.
MC: So what is it that you need? And make this quick, please. I need to pick my cat up from the orthodontist.
QN’B: Okay. The other day, while jerking the pork, I knocked over my drinking water, completely soaking all the cereal boxes under my bed. So, if you all wouldn’t mind heading to your local grocer and purchasing a few boxes of Frosted Flakes that would be greatly appreciated, by me and my milk stick. It will surely be enough to get us through the pumpkin spice season, at least…
MC: Quake.
QN’B: …
MC: Quake?
QN’B: I’m going to fuck that tiger.
MC: Well, our time is up! Any last words you have for our readers?
QN’B: Veganism ruined me; Oprah Winfrey can burn in hell; and my first album, Crankin’ the Creamer, comes out THIS FRIDAY @quakenbake on Soundcloud.
MC: Really? Nothing about the Tiger?
QN’B: Why would I bring Tony into this?
MC: Okay. Thanks for reading everyone. And maybe think twice before buying that next carton of Planet Oat.
