“Look at that dog tied up outside the bodega… isn’t it cute? What if we kidnapped it? Nah! I’m just kidding.
I don’t want to take care of a dog. Not that I’m not a dog person … I love dogs. But there’s so much stuff involved with taking care of a dog: walks for exercise, walks for the bathroom, picking up their poo by hand, paying for their food, the vet, toys. Plus, who can find the time to take care of a dog in the first place? Definitely not the guy who owns that dog.
I bet his owner SUCKS. Probably some gross finance bro or trust fund yuppie that doesn’t know how to take care of something as easy as one of those itty bitty cactuses… cacti? What are those called? Succubents… This asshole has probably never had to care for anything. Daddy’s money to the rescue, ya know?
I mean, do they even really want this dog? It’s been tied up outside the bodega for at least one, two minutes now…
What, does finance bro hate this dog? All it’s guilty of is loving people. This pup looks so loyal, and probably to a person who totally doesn’t deserve him. Come on, let’s rescue him… just kidding… But seriously, let’s get closer.
Look, he’s so big and fluffy. I bet his poops are huge. His paws are huge! And look, he’s smiling. He likes us! See how much he is wagging his tail?
His collar says his name is “Trevor,” but you don’t look like a Trevor, do ya boy? What if when we take him home, we name him something dumb. Dumb like his like his big dumb face. Who’s got a big dumb face? You do!
Something dumb like Roofus Wainwright or BANDIT…
Look, I’m untying him! Oh no!
I mean, where would we even keep him? We don’t live together yet, and even though I’ve been thinking about moving in with you a lot, I know that’s a really big decision and I definitely don’t want to force you into anything.
Our apartment complex probably wouldn’t allow us to have a dog in the first place. Unless I paid for it. Which I could… even though this dog right here would be free. Completely, utterly free…
How about I just untie him, and if he wants to come with us, he’ll follow us when we walk away… that’s not us stealing. That’s Bandit deciding to come with us using his own free will. We’re just agents of free will, letting this dog choose his path instead of being a slave to the man!
Just let me just give him a couple good kisses first…
Alright, we’re gonna walk away. You do you, Bandit. That’s all we’d ever want for you is to be happy. Because we love you. Okay? And when we walk away you can either stay here or COME with us. Stay or COME… your choice…
Come on, Bandit! Come here, boy!
