Donald Duck
Salutations, I’m your aquatic pal Donnie. Check out my blue jacket, matching cap and pants-less undercarriage to complete my incomplete sailor’s garb tailored for a bivalve mollusk. I have famous dog and vermin companions you may have heard of if you’re a child exposed to media. As you can tell, my raspy voice is unmistakable to your prepubescent ears. I’m the star of some of your favorite American propaganda films that you saw at the nickelodeon theatre in 1943. Happy birthday!
Arnold Schwarzenegger
…998…999…1,000 body biggers. Me done so can have crusher arms for make explosion murder blood. Me muscular voice that come from lip bordered face hole is uncanny. Me am gentle giant despite motion picture that portray kill hurt pain. You could pick voice out in crowd especially when say famous line “I am going to return later Stephen” or “I don’t have a problem regarding the health of my skull so it’s best you don’t worry about it anymore Steven.” Don’t be stranger if me see you again and remember that loved ones will sad if you murder yourself.
Christopher Walken
Friends call me Chris and I allow it, they’re my friends after all. I like to go deer hunting and my timepiece is safe and sound. A lot of nice folks attempt to do my voice and they make fools out of themselves in the process and a mockery out of my way of life. I detest this behavior with every ounce of my being, disagree with cruel mimicry and despise the evil works of the mime. If a mime is stuck in a box I too am trapped in a stereotype just as well that confines my peculiar soul within this body-bag-sized body. If a mime is doing something else, I go about my day, watching from a distance in an unmarked van. Although I am an actor, this isn’t an act. This is me, who just so happens to act for a living. Anyways, the clock says I should be going. Sorry to unload on you like that.
Matthew McConaughey
Hey hey hey. Call me Matt because I have an informal way about me. I’m from televised vehicle promotions named after the most truthful president of the fifty states. They didn’t have lie detectors back then but I bet Abe would pass with flying colors. Speaking of the last two words of that sentence, I ingested a psychonautic drug a minute ago so I know flying colors firsthand because I am a laid-back Hollywood astronaut man saying things like: I find that as I grow older, select generational demographics stagnate. Happy trails cowboy lady.
Barack Obama
Uh, B.O. here. I am an agreeable, uh, individual and I like blue-themed donkey parties. Now, let’s pin the tail on the ass’s, uh, ass or play hoops. Pass the rock and I’ll give you a, uh, slam dunkeroni, buddy. Truth be told, uh, I was the once-incumbent head policy maker of the Western Hemisphere in a little stretch of land between Canada and Mexico and I’ll kiss a baby to, uh, prove it. Wish I still had my egg-shaped workroom when I was the least caucasian, 44th monarch. Bye bye.
Bill Cosby
This is a collect call from: Billy C. Do you accept the charges?
Alright alright alright. I used to like dairy desserts from the freezer aisle but I was a bad clown so now I’m behind bars for making beverages from stuff you can’t find in the grocery store. I feel sorry for my sins and will do better next time if it is allowed. You know, I was a doctor once. Just kidding it was for a TV show named after me. Or was I named after it? The jury is still out (figuratively; I’m in prison because the real jury literally found me guilty). My jokes always come when you least expect them to come because you expect something else. Can I get some canned laughter or is that not in the grocery store either? Good news is you can watch my filmography at a discounted price which bears repeating because Valentine’s Day is coming and gift-giving is a trait among most traditional exchanges.
