Did your boyfriend or girlfriend recently break up with you? Did your ex wrongly say showing up unannounced at one in the morning in nothing but a bathrobe at their parent’s house was “clingy?” Do you believe that society’s idea of “healthy relationships” is boring and lacks passion? I, Professor Cupid, certified dating coach, will give you the step-by-step process to simply subtweet that special someone back into your life.
Step One
Ensure that they can see your tweets. If they have blocked you, then simply hire a hacker to log into their profile and unblock you. In order to indirectly aim tweets at someone, you must first be certain that they will be seen.
Step Two
Start off with a guilt-inducing subtweet. For example, if you both frequently enjoyed caramel boba with sea salt foam together, then you would write, “I still see you in the tapioca of my caramel boba.” When your ex sees this tweet, they will immediately feel guilty. Nice work! The foundation is being laid.
Step Three
Follow up the guilt-inducing subtweet with an aggressive one. Furthermore, this technique strengthens if you thematically connect the tweets.
For example:
“The sea salt foam reminds me of your awful, bitter personality.”
When they see this personal attack disguised as emotional venting, they will want to defend themselves and respond to you. However, if they continue ignoring you, give it some time, and we will tear their self-respect right down.
Step Four:
Repeatedly alternate between positive and negative tweets. Keep them extremely specific.
For example:
“I still like that mushroom-shaped birthmark on your right thigh.”
“Your birthmark looks like a penis!”
“I’m using my cast iron pan that was a gift and thinking of you.”
“Guess what? I burned the cast iron pan. Rest in peace memories!”
“I rode a bicycle down Venice Beach and was reminded of your beach-scented cologne.”
“I hope you crash the next time you bike. P.S. beach-scented cologne smells like sewage water!”
While some people may view this method as “petty,” this pattern will simultaneously foster in your ex the need to defend their reputation and the need to ease their immense guilt.
Step Five
Constantly post pictures and tweet as if you have a new partner in your life. As a bonus, feign interest in things your ex likes that you never liked. Deploy kissy face emojis.
For example:
“Just got matching Star Wars shirts with Brad, the best guy ever.”
“Building a model train set with Brad, the best model train set builder ever.”
However, you do not want your ex to think you are taken forever, so eventually feign a break up on Twitter. Make a fake account for Brad or actually find a Brad. Specifically, mention how Brad is not as good at something your ex was, but do not mention your ex.
For example:
“We’re done. Other men are better at model train building.”
Step Six
Deploy Kelly Clarkson and Ed Sheeran lyrics and ask your friend to “at” your ex in the comments. Since you are not tagging your ex, it is still technically subtweeting, which makes it acceptable behavior.
Step Seven
Repeatedly show up at your ex’s home and work unannounced. While some people and the police may wrongly consider this “stalking,” it is simply working your way toward a goal. If they file a restraining order against you, then legally change your name and identity and return to step one. Do not seek therapy under any circumstances. If you happen to get incarcerated, then attempt to trade goods or your body until you get a phone that you can subtweet with or simply wait your sentence out and return to step one.
Now you know how to properly subtweet your ex back into your life. Return tomorrow for “The Proven Guide to Winning Arguments Through Text.” Happy subtweeting!