Argh, it is I, the Gorton’s fisherman, the guy on the fish sticks box in the freezer at your local grocery store. This weather-worn face, bright yellow raincoat, and salty accent are back to dish out advice much like your mom dishes out my tasty crispy battered fish fillets, and today I want to talk to you about swimsuit shopping!
Now I know what ye are thinking. How could I, a sailor of the high seas who wears only rubbers, know anything about ladies’ swimwear? First off, you were assuming I was talking only about the ladies so who’s sexist now and secondly, when you live on a boat, you are going to know a thing or two about swimsuits!
Now take ye rudder and turn it starboard and let’s get on with this advice. I’ve got fishing to do and the tide waits for no one, not even Uncle Gorty!
Here’s a myth you hear about swimsuits: black is the only color that will make ye look slimmer. Poppycock! Have you ever stared at an Orca in the eyes and thought, “That Orca sure looks thin”? NO! Of course not! You shit yer pants and get the hell out of the Orca’s way!
Colors such as plum, navy, brown, and dark green will also slim ye down. Of course, you should love yourself and your body for what it is and not worry about the impossible standards society has put on ye body. Haddock never worries what it looks like in a string bikini. When all else fails, a raincoat as bright as the sun is a viable option.
Here’s another tip for the lassies: swimsuit sizes are not the same as your regular clothing sizes. That’s right, ye might have to buy a size or two up to get a good fit from the swimsuit. It’s poppycock, I know! You know what else is poppycock? The time I attempted to sail me ship in nothing but board shorts. Not only did I not catch any sea creatures, but my body was an array of blisters, frostbite and salt, and the fish laughed at me! You try and get the perfect cleat hitch when ye has nothing but your skin against rope! The sea is but a cruel mistress.
If ye is concerned about chafing, then wear a swimsuit made of baggywrinkle, and if you don’t know what that is then ye lass are no fisherman.
Let’s say you’ve found a suit that doesn’t make you shed tears as you peer into a dressing room mirror under fluorescent lights. Do the following to see if this is a good match for the both of ye:
- Lift your arms over your head. Does the top rise up?
- Bend over. Does your chest spill out the front?
- Do a couple of lunges. Does the bottom ride up?
- Does it smell like shrimp caught in a net and then left on the bow of the ship for three days?
- Tell the sales clerk to mind her own damn business!
Congratulations, you’ve found a swimsuit! Now prepare like a sailor about to journey out to sea for several fortnights and stock up on my delicious and crunchy fish sticks because you won’t be able to afford anything else after you pay for that perfect suit.
Now if you’ll excuse me, the sea is calling. Oh, and you were right, this was advice for female swimsuits!
