[Editor’s Note: The following is an excerpt from an interview conducted by the Select Committee to Investigate the Destruction of the Planet Alderaan. These hearings took place shortly after the events depicted in Star Wars: A New Hope, aka the original movie, aka the first one with Luke and Leia, aka episode #4 but movie #1. If you’re still confused, I really don’t know how to help you.] Chairperson: Can you state your full name and where you’re from for the record? Mr. Wittigun: Bronsar Wittigun. I live–lived–in Alderaan, ma’am. Chairperson: Were you a part of the Rebellion, Mr. Wittigun?…
Author: Patrick Hueller
Patrick Hueller
Patrick Hueller is a teacher and writer. At the moment, he’s also plenty pissed. His students are currently learning about satire; he figured he’d give it a go himself.
It happened again. Another school shooting. Another gun massacre. And I, for one, am fed up. I don’t know why thoughts and prayers haven’t ended this violence; maybe not enough of you are thinking and praying? But it’s time to do something else. Something MORE. Just plain SOMETHING. Can we PLEASE finally admit, after yet another shooting spree, that we have a problem? And that problem is doors. Simply put, we have way too many of them. It’s way too easy to get our hands on them. Some of my fellow serious-minded politicians have suggested limiting the number of doors…