Or
Get a Rap that Slaps!
As a speech-language pathologist, I can confirm Americans’ belief that the quickest, most efficient way to boost what professionals in my field call the Perceived Intelligence Quotient (PIQ) is to adopt a British accent. But I also recognize that the majority of Americans are lousy at getting an accent right.
That’s why I came up with these 5 simple tips to make you appear as smart as you feel.
- Commit these key words to memory: umbridge, apparatchik, byzantine, panacea, incontrovertibly, capricious, imperilment. They’ll let you say things like, “I take umbridge when left-wing apparatchiks tell me the byzantine structures of the deep state are a panacea for our country, when they are incontrovertibly an evil and capricious imperilment.”
- Think like a fourth grader. Let your tendency toward pre-pubescence work in your favor. You may no longer be able to get away with simple phrases like “I know you are but what am I,” but attitudinal supremacy speaks volumes.
- Obtain a degree from an online university. Sure, you may need to sharpen your bullshit formulation skills, but a few letters accompanying your chatroom handle is guaranteed to jack up the sound of even your least sound observations. Medical doctors do it! FACC may indicate you’re a Fellow of the American College of Cardiology, but to the average Joe it means “smart guy.”
- Dress for success. You don’t have to wear a bowtie (although it didn’t dampen Tucker Carlson’s prospects), but I’ll put it this way: Nothing says “scholar” like a collar. Toss those pizza-stained T’s and join the A-list.
- Grow your influence by speaking to audiences likely to know less than you do. For example, teenage boys and the recently comatose.
You might say, “That sounds like a lot of work.” And I’d say, Damn straight—but do you think it was a bunch of candy-assed loafers who gave us our democracy and spread the word of freedom throughout the world? Hell no, Bro!
It’s about time for you to get out of the basement and exert the effort to give your rant the rizz it deserves.