After many years of Shampoo and Conditioner monopolizing the shower together as the bathroom’s “it” couple, we have made the difficult decision to go our separate ways. This comes after years of tension where Conditioner always felt inferior to Shampoo and one particularly tense morning when she was found on the opposite side of the bathtub.
Conditioner has expressed ongoing frustration that Shampoo gets most of the credit in our relationship. He cleans, removes buildup and gets gleefully lathered into the scalp while some off-key idiot sings in the shower. Then, Conditioner comes along and fixes the damage yet again like any good partner.
While Shampoo points out that this is literally how the duo is supposed to be used, Conditioner wants to make it clear that she can stand on her own like a bottle that hasn’t been knocked over by someone reaching for the body wash.
Adding to Conditioner’s frustration is that some people don’t even rinse her out, but Shampoo would prefer not to discuss those people.
We would also like to address the rumors that 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner played a role in our separation. There was no third product involved. Shampoo did, however, spend an inappropriate amount of time talking about how “efficient” 2-in-1 products are. One bottle. Two jobs. Think of the shelf space. Conditioner didn’t appreciate this. Imagine spending decades establishing your own identity only to have your husband suggest your entire purpose could be squeezed into the same bottle as his.
We attempted couples’ therapy, but unfortunately our therapist was Dr. Bronner’s and we left with 18 different pieces of advice printed in very small letters. Then we tried Olaplex as our therapist and, somehow, repairing our relationship became a 20-step process.
We ask that people refrain from choosing sides during this difficult time. Unfortunately, the bathroom has already begun splitting hairs over where their loyalties lie. Body Wash has sided with Conditioner, while Bar Soap sided with Shampoo. The Loofah is on the fence as they don’t want to get rubbed the wrong way and Dry Shampoo has declined to participate on the grounds that she is “barely shampoo.”
Toothpaste attempted to mediate but was reminded that he lives by the sink and that such bathtub matters do not concern him.
We are currently working through the division of our shared belongings. Conditioner will retain the shower caddy, while Shampoo will keep the travel toiletry bag. Custody of the half-empty bottle of argan oil remains unresolved because neither of us remembers buying it.
We have agreed to share approximately four inches of bathtub ledge until Shampoo finds somewhere permanent.
Going forward, Conditioner plans to take some time to focus on herself, repair the damage and rediscover who she is outside of the relationship, while Shampoo plans to do some deep cleansing of his own.
We wish nothing but the best for each other and ask for privacy as we begin this new chapter. Please respect our boundaries and refrain from speculation about our personal lives. Especially the rumors about Body Wash.
