Find out what “they” are hiding from you.
Here at Schrodinger’s Chicken, we value the truth above all else. Except money, but hey, number two is still pretty good – which, incidentally, is our paper’s motto. This is the first of our investigative reports aimed at shining a light into the dark seedy underworld that is children’s nursery rhymes.
You may think you know the truth, but you’ll never believe what our “award winning”1 “journalists”2 have uncovered.
Join us as we combine interviews and “state of the art”3 investigative journalism to
reveal just what it is “Big Nursery” is hiding from you.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; All the king’s horses and
all the king’s men Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
But his plastic surgeon could and after he recovered, he sued, winning a
considerable amount in Dumpty v. All the king’s horses, et al. It seems that the
wall in question lacked visible warning signs and wasn’t OSHA compliant. Mr.
Dumpty has since retired to relative obscurity and lives somewhere outside of
London.
Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
The parents of both children were subsequently charged with child
endangerment, and both children were placed in foster homes:Update: While Jack still suffers from migraines, both he and Jill are reported to be
living with an old lady in a shoe.Editor’s note: A shoe? Can someone please fact check that?
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, How I wonder what you are!
Wonder no more! We did some investigative journalism, and it turns out you’re
not a star but a satellite. Tune in for our five-part follow-up series, “Light
pollution! How it’s destroying your love life and what you can do about it.”Editor’s note: Cutting edge stuff guys. I sense a big award coming our way.
Hopefully, not another Pulitzer. Where did we leave that last one anyway?
Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, Life is
but a dream.
Our senior technical reporter became unhinged at this time stating, “Wake up!
Life is not a dream! If anything, it’s a simulation of an advanced civilization.
We’re living in a simulation people!”Due to his agitation, our “medical staff”4 was forced to sedate him. He has
subsequently taken some time off to seek counselling.Editor’s note: I knew those old horse tranquilizers would come in handy! In your
face Jerry! By the way, has anyone checked in on old “it’s all a simulation?” He’s
not self-medicating again, is he? That could pose a problem for us since
someone – cough, cough Jerry – erased the whiteboard that had all of our
passwords written on it.
Baa, baa, black sheep, Have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, Three bags full; One for the
master…
The interview ended at this point when the interviewee tore off his mic. The last
thing he said to our journalist was “That’s enough of that “bleep.” First, it’s “Baa
Baa Sheep of Color.” And that’s “Mr. Sheep of Color” to you. Second, you know
what you can do with your “have you any wool,” right? Beat it before I get
medieval on your ass!5
Mr. Sheep of Color has refused all requests to continue the interview.
Editor’s note: This is just the first draft guys, so don’t post it yet. We’re still waiting on
the report on the Three Blind Mice… sorry, the Three Visually Impaired Mice – will it
never end? We also need a big finish to bring in the subscribers. Has anyone dug up
any dirt on Old MacDonald? Can we speed up the eviction of that old lady who’s
living in a shoe so we can break the story before the deadline? Why does that ring a
bell? Oh, well, I’m sure it’s not important. Let me know your thoughts.
—
- All awards “won” were awarded by the staff here at Schrodinger’s Chicken. Except for that one Pulitzer
Jerry won, but they’ll give that to anyone these days. We’re not impressed Jerry. Get back to work! ↩︎ - The use of the term “journalist” should not be taken to mean anyone here went to journalism school. Or has integrity. We’re just trying to be “honest.” ↩︎
- We used Google and ChatGPT. ↩︎
- One of the admins is a part of the way through his online doula training. Editor’s Note: Nice job Jerry!
At least you’re good for something. ↩︎ - Mr. Sheep of Color’s threat, while honestly scary, is chronologically faulty. The rhyme is an 18th-century text, but it may have roots in — or at least echoes of — medieval economic life, though that connection is speculative. Editor’s Note: Stop trying to impress everyone Jerry, you were as scared as the rest of us. ↩︎