How Eurovision shapes Europe’s destiny through kitsch and camp
POINT POLITICS
Politics does not belong on the stage of the Eurovision Song Contest—it belongs to the scoring system. If the jury had not voted France down to the 19th position in the 1996 Eurovision in response to President Jacques Chirac’s nuclear testing in the South Pacific, we shudder to think of the Armageddon that would have surely ensued. And how would France have been able to pressure the UK into a better deal on fishing quotas without the threat of withholding their douze points for eternity?
GEOMUSICAL ALLIANCES
Geomusical alliances are part and parcel of Eurovision’s voting system. The NOSWEDA alliance (Norway, Sweden, Denmark—with Sweden as the powerhouse player) is the most influential Nordic alliance since the Kalmar Union’s demise in 1523. During the points allocation, many a Dane will be heard to say, “Damn that Eastern European mafia, always voting for their own and giving us nothing! Oh, thank God, here is Norway about to cast their points, they’re bound to give us something.” On one occasion, Norway did, in fact, NOT give the Danish song any points, and Denmark seriously considered imposing tariffs on those dirty traitors.
FROM TECHNOCRACY TO TECHNOCRAZY
Eurovision is no longer a technocracy. The power to decide which song wins is now split equally between the jury and the viewing public. This responsibility is not taken lightly. For example, we all agreed that, of course, Ukraine should win the apolitical Eurovision Song Contest in 2022, following the invasion of their country by Russia, so we put our votes to good use. Although we were surprised that our sympathy votes did not make a difference in the real world, we are confident that Putin will think twice before messing with any member of the European Broadcasting Union again.
BOOING FOR PEACE
Peace was never won by pacifism. This universal truth has been recognized more by the Eurovision activists than anyone else. By activists, we mean the flamboyant fans who come to the live shows with banners and kitschy paraphernalia. In the face of an enemy, they are never shy of using the strongest weapon at their disposal: booing. It is an indisputable fact that the prospect of having their nation’s musical representative booed off the Eurovision stage has kept many would-be despots in check.
BREXIT STRATEGY
After decades of dismal results, the European country that has produced the best pop songs in the English language (surpassed only by Sweden) had had enough of being humiliated by small peasant states on the Continent and wanted out. But while the insular UK thought it could do without the EU, it knew it could not do without Eurovision. Thinking they had made their point through Brexit, they anticipated a better score in the succeeding contests. Alas, neither jury nor public took the bait.
ELECTORAL GIMMICKS
Just like members of parliament use political theater to get their peers to vote through a disastrous treaty or a watered-down reform, some stage theater is always an efficient way to get people to vote for a questionable song. The era of the gimmick descended on the Eurovision with the landslide victory of Finnish monster rockers Lordi, shattering regional alliances.
SHIFTING POWERROCK
Since that memorable night when Lordi transformed the song contest forever, the Eurovision stage has been a carnival of crazy stunts and outrageous costumes, securing double-digit points for the underdog. Such is the ebb and flow of power within Eurovision. We therefore recommend you tune in with great anticipation, because (to paraphrase the great David Bowie) we don’t know where we’re going from here, but we promise it won’t be boring.
