Party of the first part — Jaysin Pericles Quackenbush III, shall be heretofore referred to as ‘the baby’ insomuch as he finds his entirely unasked for given name to be completely ridiculous and certain to lead to much future bullying.
Party of the second part — Jayleen Dorothea Quackenbush and Jaysin Pericles Quackenbush II — shall heretofore be referred to as ‘the parents’ in an effort to limit the amount of time it takes to type their actual names.
The parents insist on gazing at the face of the baby for long periods of time despite the baby’s repeated attempts to dissuade them, eg, crying, vomiting, making doody in his diaper. The baby has taken all reasonable steps but the parents refuse to allow him the autonomy to explore his new existential state without their domineering presence.
The parents continue to speak to the baby as if he is an idiot, addressing him in a register typically reserved for the cognitively impaired. Baby takes particular exception to the repeated assertion that he ‘woves his widdle stuffed monkey,’ and declines to confirm or deny his feelings regarding the monkey at this time.
Parents hand off care of the baby to smelly and frightening strangers without permission, often accompanied with the directive to ‘smell the baby’s head.’ Baby does not acquiesce to having his head sniffed by strangers such as Uncle George and Auntie Petunia.
Baby does not consent to being tossed in the air repeatedly, and strongly condemns the cruel practice of pretending to drop the baby at the last minute. Baby claims multiple instances of this behavior and reserves the right to pursue damages for resulting acrophobia and generalized distrust of human hands.
Baby is given food that has been violently assaulted to the point of near liquification. Baby would prefer to not be treated like a child.
Parents express joy at baby’s defecation, leading to feelings of debasement and humiliation. Baby does not consent to having his bowel movements referred to as ‘boom boom’ nor to the tone of celebration that accompanies their discovery.
Baby strongly objects to being photographed in various states of undress, up to and including complete nudity, sometimes in the bathtub, and to the subsequent distribution of said images to a network of acquaintances via social media without written consent, despite baby’s clear objection as evidenced by his expression in approximately 90% of said photographs.
Baby was brought into existence without any consultation whatsoever. Baby objects to the failure of parents to appropriately notify baby before undertaking said project, and reserves the right to pursue this foundational grievance at such time as he acquires the necessary motor skills to retain counsel.
Notwithstanding the above, baby acknowledges that the stuffed monkey is, in fact, pretty great, and withdraws all complaints as they pertain specifically to the monkey.
cc: Uncle George, Auntie Petunia, the pediatrician, God
