An audience of townspeople has gathered around a raised platform at the public square. A band of Troubadour musicians begins to play an upbeat Dorian scale using flutes, dulcimers, recorders, and lutes. A familiar man walks onto the platform between two groups of people. The audience politely applauds.
STEPHEN: Be thee welcometh to our showth – Family Feudalism. I am thy host, Stephen Harvey. We shall undergo a grand entertainment this morrow. Introducing our competitor families: From the city of Florence, bid a fair welcometh to the Vassal family. In addition, from the city of Naples, bid an equivalent welcometh to the Fief family. Presently, draweth to me Vicar Vassal and Landgrave Fief.
The band of Troubadour musicians plays an upbeat Dorian scale using flutes, dulcimers, recorders, and lutes. The audience of townspeople politely applauds. Vicar and Landgrave approach the lecturn. Each contestant picks up a tambourine.
STEPHEN: Our first survey is as follows: What, perchance, is a mad errand you wouldst giveth to a knave?
Vicar and Landgrave strike their tambourines.
STEPHEN: Vicar, your striketh is first. What sayest thee?
VICAR: To place a dress upon my horse.
STEPHEN: To place a dress upon his horse.
The flute player opens a curtain to reveal a wooden board containing four parchment scrolls. He removes the second parchment scroll, which reveals another parchment scroll saying “Placeth Clothing Upon An Animal – Five Townspeople.”
STEPHEN: Landgrave, can thee beat yon answer?
LANDGRAVE: Stephen, mine own answer wouldst be to have the knave consume horse excrement.
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! Thy answer causes me to become wall-eyed in bewilderment! Showeth me eating vulgar excrement from a horse!
The flute player removes the first parchment scroll which reveals another parchment scroll saying “Consume Animal Excrement – Seven Townspeople.” The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: Fief family, shall ye playeth or shall ye passeth?
LANDGRAVE: We shall playeth, Stephen!
Stephen walks over to the Fief family.
STEPHEN: Landgrave, before you introduceth me to thy distinguished family, perchance what is thy occupation?
LANDGRAVE: Stephen, I am a farmer. In mine own three field rotation, I yield crops of wheat and broad beans, with the third field left fallow, of course.
STEPHEN: Fallow, eh? With your affinity for horse excrement, I was certain thy third field didst yield crops of feces-producing horses sprouting from the fertile topsoil!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Good Landgrave, I fancy thou introduceth me to thy honest family.
LANDGRAVE: Most certainly. Stephen, this lovely lass is my own fair jointress Gwyndolyn. And this strapping lad is my own eldest son Fulchard.
STEPHEN: Good Gwyndolyn, how art thou on this fine morrow?
GWYNDOLYN: Stephen, I am most grand! I have waited many a moon to meet thee! Might I be so forward as to toucheth thy shining, bald, and majestic head?
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! If thy noble husband doesn’t objecteth to thy forward gesture, then I won’t objecteth. What doth yee sayeth, Landgrave?
LANDGRAVE: I objecteth not.
Gwyndolyn rubs Stephen’s head as she smiles and giggles.
STEPHEN: Tis true! Women loveth the shineth!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Gwyndolyn, telleth me what, perchance, is a mad errand you wouldst giveth to a knave?
GWYNDOLYN: To sharpen mine own knifes.
STEPHEN: To sharpen knifes.
The flute player holds up two pieces of wood to form an X as the recorder player makes a staccato sour note.
LANDGRAVE: Tis fine. Twas a valorous answer.
STEPHEN: Fulchard, thou art the eldest son, correct? Bid me about thyself.
FULCHARD: Sir Stephen, I currently attendeth university where I am studying to beest either a minstrel or a rat-catcher.
STEPHEN: Tis most humorous. At which hour I did start out many moons ago in the entertainment industry, I was a singing minstrel in some very lackluster entertainment establishments. Some of those establishments were so lackluster, t’were more rats presenth than audience members. Perhaps if thee playeth thy cards right, thee can beest both a minstrel and a rat-catcher!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Tell me, Fulchard – what, perchance, is a mad errand you wouldst giveth to a knave?
FULCHARD: To runneth into a merchant’s establishment and spineth around in circles.
STEPHEN: Runneth to a merchant and spineth around like a top.
The flute player removes the third parchment scroll, which reveals another parchment scroll saying “Behaveth Erratically in Public – Three Townspeople.” The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: Tis only one answer left. If you answerth correctly, thee cleareth the board. Backeth to thee, Landgrave. What, perchance, is a mad errand you wouldst giveth to a knave?
LANDGRAVE: Well, Stephen, I wouldst have the knave urinate upon my neighbor’s vegetable garden.
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! Why doth thee speaketh of excrement and urination so often? Didst someone breakest thy chamber pot or easement chair? And at which hour thee traveled to the public latrene, didst thee find it broken?
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Landgrave, mine own friend, thou art the king of excrement and urination! Showeth me urinating on mine own poor neighbor’s vegetable garden!
The flute player removes the fourth parchment scroll, which reveals another parchment scroll saying “Urination Within a Garden – One Townsperson.” The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: The Fief family hast cleared the board. Presently, draweth to me Elwisia Vassal and Gwyndolyn Fief.
The band of Troubadour musicians plays an upbeat Dorian scale using flutes, dulcimers, recorders, and lutes. The audience of townspeople politely applauds. Elwisia and Gwyndolyn approach the lecturn. Each contestant picks up a tambourine.
STEPHEN: Our second survey is as follows: What, perchance, is the least popular pie to purchaseth from the baker?
Elwisia and Gwyndolyn strike their tambourines.
STEPHEN: Elwisia, your striketh is first. What sayest thee?
ELWISIA: Raspberry pie.
STEPHEN: Showeth me raspberry pie!
The flute player opens a second curtain to reveal a wooden board containing three parchment scrolls. He then holds up two pieces of wood to form an X as the recorder player makes a staccato sour note.
STEPHEN: Twas a valorous answer. I loveth the raspberry pie! I can consume it like a foolish jester! Raspberry pie maketh me want to singeth a grand song!
The audience of townspeople laugh and applaud.
STEPHEN: Gwyndolyn, what sayest thee? What, perchance, is the least popular pie to purchaseth from the baker?
GWYNDOLYN: Stephen, I would sayest fig pie.
STEPHEN: Showest me fig pie!
The flute player removes the third parchment scroll which reveals another parchment scroll saying “Fig Pie – Two Townspeople.” The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: Vassal family, shall ye playeth or shall ye passeth?
GWYNDOLYN: We shall playeth, Stephen!
STEPHEN: Most glorious! Fulchard, what, perchance, is the least popular pie to purchaseth from the baker?
FULCHARD: I would have to sayest beans pie.
STEPHEN: Beans pie?
FULCHARD: Yes. Beans pie.
STEPHEN: Fulchard, my valorous friend, I hath grown up on the impoverished side of the village. I hath consumed my shareth of dishes containing beans within, when there shouldn’t have been beans within. I have consumed my shareth of horrid pies. Never in mine owneth life, however, hath I consumed anything called beans pie. What, perchance, is beans pie?
FULCHARD: A pie containing beans.
STEPHEN: What kind of beans?
FULCHARD: I knowth not. Simply beans.
STEPHEN: Showeth me a pie containing beans so mysterious, we knoweth not what the helleth kind they art!
The flute player removes the second parchment scroll which reveals another parchment scroll saying “Beans Pie – Three Townspeople.” The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: Fief family – hereth the situation. Thee have one answer left in the survey. If thee answer correctly, thy family shall be victorious. Landgrave, telleth me what, perchance, is the least popular pie to purchaseth from the baker?
LANDGRAVE: Horse excrement pie.
STEPHEN: I am lapsed! Thy answer causes me to become wall-eyed in bewilderment again! Thy fixation on feces and excrement boarders on the absurd! Showeth me some of that stinky and delicious horse excrement pie!
The flute player removes the first parchment scroll which reveals another parchment scroll saying “Horse Excrement Pie – Eighteen Townspeople.” The Fief family claps wildly.
STEPHEN: The Fief family hath wonneth today’s contest. Therefore, they shall hath an opportunity to undertake Swift Shillings. Here’s how we playeth: We hath taken a bag of several dozen gold and silver shillings and placed it in a burlap sack attached to yon greased pig. If the Fief family can secureth the bag in thirty seconds, they keepeth thy shillings. Fief family – preparest for the chase.
Stephen and the Fief family step off of the raised platform and gather next to a cage containing a greased pig a with sack tied to it’s back. The audience of townspeople murmur in anticipation.
STEPHEN: We shall commence Swift Shillings. On thy marks. Get seteth. Beginneth!
Stephen opens a door on the cage and the pig runs down a busy street. The Fief family shout instructions at one another, then pursue the shinning, squealing pig. Townspeople on the street shriek and point at the approaching melee.
STEPHEN: Tis truly a grand spectacle! Gwyndolyn hadeth a chance at subduing the pig, but she trippeth on her son Fulchard. Thee sprawl in the street was spectacular, indeed! The pig runeth towards the blacksmith’s establishment. Landgrave pursuiteth close behind! There are four noble horses outside the establishment. The pig runeth underneath the legs of the horses. Landgrave approacheth, but he slippeth on something. I am lapsed! Landgrave hath slippeth on the biggest pile of horse excrement I have ever seen! Tis fortunate that Landgrave likes excrement so! The time runeth out! Twas a noble pursuit, indeed.
Gwyndolyn and Fulchard, both injured, help their excrement-covered father to his feet. They all smile and embrace. The band of Troubadour musicians plays an upbeat Dorian scale using flutes, dulcimers, recorders, and lutes. The audience of townspeople politely applauds.
STEPHEN: For our next grand entertainment, Robert Barker shall host Thy Price Is Righteous. Doeth not leaveth thy location.
