You may have noticed on social media recently a number of celebrity infused online fundraising events for Kamala Harris. Comics for Kamala, White Dudes for Kamala, White Women for Kamala, Black Women for Kamala, Hoops for Harris, and of course, Swifties for Harris.
Well, maybe you’d be interested in some of MAGA Zoom call events we have lined up to raise needed legal defense campaign money for Donald Trump and JD Vance donut orders? This is a sampling of some of the exciting online cash grabs we have lined up for the run in to the 2024 election.
Dictators: Of course Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad be there. As will current Republican IT Girl Victor Orbán in Hungary. Learn how Recipe Erdoğan went from Turkish change candidate/reformer disruptor change agent to autocrat. Chairman Mao and Stalin will drop in to talk agriculture production strategy. See the latest fashion tips from Benito Mussolini and Francisco Franco pops in to describe his version of White Terror, not the January 6th kind.
Little league coaches currently berating an 11yo umpire: HEY GREAT PITCH ZACH. WHAT? HOW IS THAT A BALL? COME ON BLUE.! We’re need real men with a healthy competitive spirit that’s why we’re supporting – YES!!! GOT HIM!! NO WAY NO WAY. GOOD THROW PETER. BLUE HE GOT THE TAG DOWN and learn how to ruin a beloved American pastime, like democracy.
Carnival game designers: We make all those overpriced games you’re kids love at state and county fairs. Rigged so you can never win the overstuffed animal you’re kid desperately wants for 2 days before forgetting about. Trump gets us. Trump sees us. Trump is us.
Salem Witch trial judges: Trump-Vance along with Project 2025 are bringing these back. Defund the police soft on crime liberals would have let John Proctor go free.
DC journalists who need Trump access to bank a big book advance: Hosted by Trump spokesperson Maggie Haberman. With special appearances by Jake Tapper an Dana Bash from CNN. Along with every New York Times and Washington Post political reporter. They’ll explain how they soften bad news or incoherence from Trump and spin positive economic news to hurt Harris Walz.
YouTube ad breaks: This Zoom will start but then like a minute in jump to ad you cannot skip. Why? Fuck you that’s why. Then in accordance with the algorithm we’ll work one in at the most inconvenient moment of the call.
Assault weapons: Just in time for the new school year, hear directly from an AR-15 about its planned curriculum for 2024-25. We’re gonna be super popular should Harris-Walz win. The only more loathsome arsenal is located in north London.
Karens: I mean this one needs no explanation. You get it. You know them. You hate them. They’re at every public venue and the loudest member of your kids school PAC. Join these Moms for Liberty white hot rage measured at 451 degrees fahrenheit.
Loud business calls in public places: Join from any airport, street corner, coffee shop, playground, or school pickup. The white guy who apparently is having the most important mission critical phone call of his life right now and wants an audience. Same thing but on Zoom.
Apartheid era emerald mind heirs who lost billions buying a social media app to amplify hate speech and porn bots and hope someone, anyone, might find him funny: we don’t.
Ponzi schemers: Learn how our leadership pyramid will unlock riches you could only dream of. Just talk to your friends, neighbors, and coworkers and be your own boss. Make your own money. So long as we have enough Zoom participants to provide the link to another cohort everything should be fine right?
Guys with social media selfies of them in the front seat with a hat and sunglasses: We Kool Aid Man ourselves into every online discussion as we’re sort of a renaissance man of hate. We use all the key terms (woke, CRT, DEI, cultural marxism, Antifa, trans) without understanding any of them. Nobody is allowed to mute themselves on this call. We’ll all talk over each other.
Current US Supreme Court Justices: Look, nobody ever said Article III is meant to be different than Article II. Play drinking games at home along with Brett Kavanaugh. Get your Betsy Ross on with a flag making class with Samuel Alito. Hear about the next insurrection led by Clarence Thomas.
Trump children not Tiffany never Tiffany: Look if Don Jr and Eric host this maybe their dad will give them his cell phone number? I mean no, he won’t. But let the boys have one last dream.
Bond villains: Look, normally getting nuclear secrets is a complex operation with high tech surveillance equipment and mercenaries with cool weapons. But with Trump? One guy had to take a piss at Mar A Lago and we got everything we need for decades. On this call we’ll walk you through how Spectre created the Federalist Society and Heritage Foundation.
Iranian internet troll farmers: Calling all single men. Join a Zoom call with pictures of beautiful European women who don’t know internet cyber terrorists are using their images to dupe idiots.
The worst people on Next Door: All your favorites will be there. Halloween grinches who hate children and candy. People who think everything is too loud. Racists who think they can mask their bigotry with careful word choices (they can’t). Bored trolls who think they’re the local Joker. Folks who think we need to hear their opinion on someone else’s home color or lawn.
Confederate Generals: The shortest Zoom call, really just about 14 words. This one is bipartisan as you’ll hear from Stonewall Jackson and Nathan Bedford Forrest. We tried to destroy the United States to preserve white supremacy. We can rise again.
Auto play popup ad videos in online articles you’re trying to read: Oh you thought the YouTube one was annoying? Lets go buddy. You will HATE this one. Bet.