London, England – Following the conclusion of this year’s tournament, Wimbledon will convert four of it’s legendary tennis courts into pickleball courts.
Blarney Damonson, Executive Director of Membership Recruitment for Wimbledon, explained, “Right. We’ve been doing some research on our membership here, and we discovered that the average age of our members is currently seventy seven years old. That’s almost bloody eighty years old!”
Damonson continued, “So, we got a little problem here. Our older members – they’re kicking the bucket, right? They’re expiring every day. We had two keel over just yesterday. We need to find new activities to bring some young blood into the club. All my young nieces and nephews – they bloody love pickleball!”
Not all members of Wimbledon are looking forward to pickleball’s impending arrival. Oliver Clemmie, 77, called pickleball, “Poppycock,” adding, “Pickleball makes a mockery of the great and grand sport of tennis! It takes tennis and removes the passion, grandeur, and dignity. Would you have Lord of Rings take place in a junkyard? Would you have The Beatles sing nursery rhymes? Would you have the King of England serve fish and chips to the commoners? You bloody well certainly would not! Keep pickleball on the playgrounds and out of Wimbledon!”
William Hewlet, 77, agreed with Clemmie. “Pickleball ain’t no blooming sport,” he said. “It’s an activity! An activity for uncoordinated, snot-nosed little school children who can’t make the tennis team! Pickleball ain’t got no place at Wimbledon!”
Jonathan Blissnomer, 77, isn’t a fan of pickleball or it’s origins. “Pickleball is a blatantly American sport,” he said. “It has no place on our shore. Those red, white, and blue flag waving, fast food eating, gun toting, cowboy hat wearing Americans think that brutal sport they play is called football. We Brits actually understand that soccer is the real football.”
Harvey Blythe, 77, said, “Pickleball, meh,” before falling over dead.
Despite the naysayers, Damonson was bullish on pickleball attracting younger members. “We know it will attract youth, right? And after the pickleball courts are completed, we’re planning even more. We’re going to add go carts, lazer tag, escape rooms, miniature golf, ax throwing, and bouncy castles. We’re even going to purchase an old Chuck E Cheese animatronic show and put it in the clubhouse. We’ll be able to host children’s birthday parties from open to close! Wimbledon will be crawling with more young people than you can shake a stick at!”
Reservations for using the pickleball courts are being accepted now. Use the code YOUTH for a 5% discount.
