Okay, I am freaking out right now. We sent letters to Santa telling him exactly what we want for Christmas and we actually got replies! You can read our letters here. We will be sharing the responses we received below just to mark this significant moment in our lives.

Response Letter Addressed to Walt

Hi Walt,

I’m the Santa you met at the Woodfield Mall of America today. I was taking my one allotted 5-minute piss break of the day, when you walked in the bathroom and said “there you are!” You proceeded to stick this letter in my back pocket while I continued to relieve myself in the urinal. 

I’m not sure why I’m doing this. Maybe I’m actually starting to take my therapist’s advice when they say “do the hard thing every once in a while.” Maybe it’s just easier to write back to you right now than check on my credit card debt. 

Either way, you didn’t get a clue today when I told you multiple times that I simply portray Santa at the mall. For kids. For money. So I think part of me just can’t live with the idea of you thinking Santa stood you up. 

1. I need a new killer joke to use at the office.

Walt

2. Maim my coworker but don’t kill him even though you easily can

Walt

What do you mean you know I can? You have no proof of that. I don’t want to talk about anything that happened prior to 2014. I’m a changed person. I need this job, man. 

3. Modern Warfare 3

Walt

I actually have an in with the Gamestop guys. (I’ve been letting them hit my pen in between shifts.) I might be able to snag you a copy. If I do, would you maybe wanna share your gamertag with me? All of my friends stopped playing with me in 2013. It would go a long way, to be honest. 

Well, there you go. I hope your wishes come true. And uh, thanks. Idk, it felt good to write this. Maybe I’m not just a mall Santa afterall. 

Sincerely, 

Mark

Response Letter Addressed to Andrew

Hello Andrew,

Not sure how this reached me. I am not Santa. My name is Lombardo Smuggins and I live in Hoboken, NJ. Your handwriting is like BAD BAD. I think the post office just took their best shot on this one. That said, I don’t really have anything better to do since nothing is going on with my life (don’t ask), so I thought I would take the time to read your Christmas list and include your wishes in my own letter to Santa (you’re welcome).

Also, before I get into these. You know you wrote the links down on paper right? Like did you expect Santa to type out the links onto a computer? I can’t tell how old you are so I’m not sure if this is forgivable or not.

I don’t know what “Subway Surfers” is, but this is very entertaining to watch, so I think I’ll follow your lead and keep it up while I write this.

It’s good to hear you’re an empath, because I am as well and can tell when people are sad. As an example, I can tell you were happy writing this. I know you’ll be impressed with my skill reading this, so thank you in advance for your compliments.

Fortnite V-Bucks

Andrew

• I don’t know what a “fortnite v-bucks” is and frankly googling it made me even more lost. All I could find was a video of the Terminator cranking that soulja boy

Lasagna

Andrew

• 75 trays is way too much to ask for, so I will write down “thoughts and prayers for the homeless.”

The iPhone 15 Pro

Andrew

• If you have anything newer than the 12 then no.

The Pharell Williams Hat

Andrew

• What the fuck that hat is so big! Hell yeah dude, fuck yeah I’m writing down one for me too!

Work bestie to have the same schedule as you

Andrew

• Sorry, bud, no can do. You gotta climb that corporate ladder if you wanna pull the strings.

Lana Del Ray

Andrew

• Gave some of her songs a listen. Your on your own for that one and honestly I wish you luck

Fortnite V-Bucks

Andrew

• Okay I gave it another look and it appears to be some kind of in-game currency. Some of these skins appear to be pretty high quality too! I really like this “Chun-Li” character!

Health Insurance

Andrew

• You can get health insurance through your job. Not sure if you knew that. If you don’t have a job btw then you don’t deserve health insurance anyway

An Omurice Omelette

Andrew

• I am not going to type that link you wrote down. I’ll just include it on the list I guess.

I guess you want me to find another Subway Surfers video? The one I found is 10 hours long so I don’t think I need to. I hope it’s okay that I just keep watching the same video, sorry.

A role in a Marvel Film

Andrew

• Yeah you and me both, pal. I’m trying to be the next Kingo.

Legos

Andrew

• Heard.

2 Samsung LG Refrigerators

Andrew

• You know what? Fuck it, sure.

Cancel Harry Styles

Andrew

• I actually quite like his music, so I will not be writing that down.

I’ll get this thing typed up and sent out ASAP. I have a great feeling about this year, too. After the affair, I needed a nice bump into the “nice” column and I think sending this in for you might be it.

Happy Christmas,

Lombardo Smuggins

Response Letter Addressed to Tucker

Ho, Ho, Ho! It’s actually me, Tucker! You somehow found my direct email address. Good on you, too, as our snail mail mailbox is backed up. Between you and me, we are still working through 2019 on answering those and I am NOT looking forward to finding out what people asked me for circa winter of 2020.

I’ve perused your letter and broken down my reply below

Founders Edition NVIDIA GeForce RTX 4090 24GB GDDR6X Graphics Card

Tucker

My elves can’t make this! They use colorful mallets and screwdrivers! I googled how to make one of these and you need a soldering iron? I’m bringing you a small wooden horse, ho, ho, ho!

Peter Griffin Fortnite

Tucker

We have an unwritten rule at the North Pole that we answer all Fortnite requests sent in by children before any by adults, so I can’t say on this one yet. It will depend on how many Peter Griffins our elves are able to grind for in time. Off the record, we should have plenty because Jingle is cracked with the new Reaper Sniper Rifle.

Death Grips Vinyl

Tucker

I pulled this up and played a song and all my reindeer flew away. Blitzen dove back into the ground head first. Christmas music should never be chopped and screwed, ho, ho, ho!

Bread

Tucker

Okay!

Eminem 8-Mile Final Rap Battle

Tucker

Ho, ho, holy shit! This white boy is spittin’! You know what, I’m bringing you the graphics card and I’m using some of my limited supply of Christmas magic to add even more pixels!

Pharrell Hat

Tucker

Why do people keep asking for these?! We made the first one on accident while trying to make a hat for a wooden horse!

Pants

Tucker

No!

Santa Do You Even Read This?

Tucker

Tucker! On March 13th, you masturbated to a pornographic feature film, then finished watching it, and cried when the two lead characters ended up together at the climactic New Years Eve gangbang! I also watch you sleep but that’s not interesting, ho, ho, ho!

Head

Tucker

Have you tried communicating with your wife, or winning a game of League of Legends where you had to middle lane even though you were running support while she is watching? Also, your kid will see me kissing your wife.

Fortnite V-Bucks

Tucker

You ask for V-Bucks after already asking for the Peter Griffin. This is selfish and you have lost one “nice” point. You have 43,546 points remaining.

A Gun

Tucker

If my elves could make firearms I’d conquer the South Pole, and I wouldn’t stop there…

Ho, Ho, Ho, I look forward to bringing you these wonderful gifts on Christmas!

See you tonight sleepyhead,
Santa Claus