I’m going to pretend two completely separate ways to spend time are somehow linked in an “either-or” sort of way, then I’m going to do some strategically biased straw-manning, and finally, I’m even going to use a dated study I didn’t conduct, all to push my agenda of convincing you that movies are too long.
So just walk with me on this one, okay?
Cleaning: 66 Minutes
According to a 2015 report by The Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average person over 15-years-old spends the following amount of time on chores:
- 13 minutes per day cleaning up the kitchen after meals
- 17 minutes per day on laundry
- 29 minutes per day on interior cleaning tasks
- 7 minutes per day maintaining the lawn, garden, and houseplants
Now, I have no idea how these numbers were gathered or who can do their dishes that fast, but I do know that going off this that’s 66 minutes to do all the chores you’ve been procrastinating. Sixty-six minutes you were about to spend finding out what? That a traumatic childhood made Ryan Gosling so perfect for government contract killing that they gave him a number instead of a name?
Hell, DOUBLE this amount of time and don’t read any further and the point of this propaganda piece still holds. Just clean your damn house. Have The Gray Man on in the background while you do it. Look up now and then and wonder why every scene is filled with smoke. Or, if you can handle all your cleaning in a touch over an hour, then let’s move on and really use this runtime.
Call Your Mother: 40 Minutes
Call statistics from Benchmark Portal claim that conversations with a caller’s mother usually last 20-40 minutes, as opposed to the normal average phone call length of six minutes. It’d be easy for me to take the middle here but I know your mom watches Yellowstone so I’m allotting the full 40 minutes here.
Call your mom. She raised you and one of the restaurants in your hometown just changed its menu. Who else is she supposed to tell? Also, spoilers, but even only saying some forms of “Yeah?”, “That’s funny” or “Oh, how was that?” will still give you more lines than Ana De Armas has in The Gray Man. Doesn’t that sound disappointing? It is! Legally I have to tell you she also shoots a grenade launcher and an RPG in the same scene, but that hurts my whole argument here so just ignore it.
Seize the Means of Production: 7 Minutes
Nineteenth century Italian General Giuseppe Garibaldi’s speech rallying all of Italy to take up arms against their Austrian rulers lasted only an estimated seven minutes. You can easily inspire your coworkers to unionize or overthrow a central branch of government, not only making the future brighter for the generations that follow but also adding one little extra accomplishment for the day you can feel good about while laying in bed.
Wouldn’t you rather get up knowing you have healthcare and fair, flexible hours instead of seeing Chris Evans say something like “Sorry bucko, but you drew the short straw, and that straw just so happens to be sticking out of the barrel of my gun”?
Find a Good Movie to Watch: 9 Minutes
According to my own research, there are dozens of movies that are under two hours. Some are the perfect length of 90 minutes. Every once in a while a few of these will even sneak onto Netflix. These of course will not be any of Netflix’s mediocre action creations, which seem to be inexplicably unable to be shorter than two hours (if 6 Underground put the giant magnet on the boat within 100 minutes it would have won Best Picture).
With the last nine minutes of your time, scroll around until you find the perfect short movie to cap off your productive evening. Or just watch three hours of your favorite TV show.