Dear Your Majesty,
I hear you trade babies in exchange for granting wishes. And so, I write with exciting news: I have a baby for you! This baby is big, HUGE. It’s the greatest baby the United States has ever seen. It’s technically not my biological baby. But it is America’s baby, and I’m an American. So, I don’t see any problem in offering him up for a trade to have my dreams come true.
What do I want? Well, ever since I was a young girl, It has been my dream to have sex with you. You ushered in my adolescent sexual awakening. Despite begging, my Mom would not give me a baby brother to trade. All these years, I thought the chance had passed me by. Now that I finally have a baby to trade, I would like to have wild goblin sex with you.
I know technically this baby is old physically, but mentally he has the conversation and motor skills of a toddler. Look at him waving his cute little arms around haphazardly when he is trying to make a point. Look at him, yelling and throwing tantrums until he gets his way! Such an annoying baby! Please take him away right now! He’s the prototypical baby – what a deal for you.
But, wait, there’s more! This baby comes with a whole family and team of babies! In fact, a whole party full of babies you can take as well. I’ll give blowjobs if you take Ivanka and Jr., and for Giuliani, I’ll let you pee on me. For Kellyanne Conway, you can teabag me. And if you take the whole lot, I’ll make a one-time exception and let you do butt stuff. So many babies! You are going to have the biggest goblin kingdom there ever was.
You can be 100% sure America’s baby is great because tons of red hats say so. When I tell you how great this baby is, you won’t want to miss your chance to grab him by the male vagina. Though, fair warning, you will want to keep this baby at arms’ length.
This baby is perfect for you because he really wants to build a wall, and you have a labyrinth full of them! He’ll help you keep out illegal aliens trying to get into your kingdom to take back their babies. He’s been successfully keeping families away from their babies for four whole years, and I know where those babies are. So I can definitely trade them as well.
America’s baby also wrote a book called The Art of the Deal. You have to make deals all the time to take babies in exchange for something. This baby can help you find out what an annoyed older sister will want so bad that she won’t go back on the deal. And if he can’t, he’ll just yell that you won until everyone believes him. If all else fails, his team of lawyers will lie, argue, and bully until their hair color sweats off.
Another great selling point to this baby is, you won’t have to do much work to change him into a goblin. He kind of already looks like one of those troll dolls. You’re a busy goblin king, and once you take America’s baby, I’ll keep you even busier, fulfilling all of my desires (wink wink). Trust me, when I’m through with you, you won’t have any extra energy to put towards transforming a baby into a goblin.
There is one catch, however. He probably won’t pay taxes to you, the king. He didn’t even pay his taxes when he and his family were mostly the ones the money was going to. But don’t worry, he’ll make the working goblins pay more to make up for the difference.
You had no power over Sarah, but you will always have power over my heart. I have always been a feminist, but I have also always been a sucker for lion-haired British men, and the pants bulge doesn’t hurt either. From the moment I saw you in those sexy-ass tights and pirate blouse, I couldn’t stand up. No other man would promise to re-order time, turn the world upside down, and offer me all my dreams and desires for the low price of just one baby!
So there you have it. That’s my offer. I really hope you will accept. I can guarantee I won’t go back on my word. Singing, dancing, and walking on walls with you is going to be the hottest foreplay. I guess all that’s left is to say the words.
Oh boy. I’m nervous. Here goes nothing.
I wish I wish the goblin king would come and take America’s baby away right now.
I’ll be here waiting for you, “As The World Falls Down.”
Forever lustily yours,
Susan
